Saturday Night Live has a "Choreographer?"

I'm so tired a stupid ads. I just saw this one in the current issue of Time magazine for BlackBerry. It features a young, thin, attractive redhead dancing (I assume) in front of a mirror. She's holding a BlackBerry in her hand. I'm not quite sure why she's holding her BlackBerry while dancing, but as I said, it's a stupid ad.

It identifies her as Danielle Flora, Choreographer, Saturday Night Live.

WHAT?

Since when does Saturday Night Live need a choreographer? I don't recall dance being a huge part of that show EVER! In fact, I don't recall it being even a small part of the show. Or ANY part of the show! Am I missing something? None of the news anchors on Weekend Update ever stand up, much less break into dance. The musical guests just do their standard routines. Skits with dancing? Hmmm...as I plow through my memory of the last 30 years of that show, I really don't recall dance - certainly not dance requiring the services of a choreographer - being a part of the formula. Oh wait...I do remember a famous skit with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley wearing tight leather pants doing a bare-chested male stripper routine. But I somehow doubt it really required choreography, and from the look of the ad, Danielle Flora was probably 14 years old at the time.

Somehow BlackBerry uses a quote from Ms. Flora about her fast-paced lifestyle and how the device helps keep her flexible. I'm not sure how her BlackBerry does the job any better than a standard cell phone might, but I supposed if you're stupid enough to accept that SNL has a choreographer, then you just assume a BlackBerry is somehow superior to a cheap Nokia or LG phone.

The ad concludes with an invitation:

Find out how BlackBerry can help you live a larger life at www.blackberry.com/ask.

If you go to that site, you are a sad, manipulated moron. If they get more than two hits, I will be thoroughly surprised. I don't know what a full-page ad in Time costs these days, but BlackBerry must have money to burn. This ad is stupid, the idea is stupid, and it helps prove the point I have been trying to make for quite some time: Marketers are idiots!

How to Get Rosie to Shut Up!

There's a short article on MSN today that says Rosie O'Donnell may never speak to Elisabeth Hasselbeck again following their argument on "The View."

Now if we can just get everyone else to disagree with Rosie when she opens her fat mouth, maybe she'll take a vow of silence and quietly pout in the corner for the rest of her life!

We can only hope.

Another sidelight to this whole incident is that many people considered Hasselbeck to be sort of the token dumb blond on this show. And often that's how she appeared when she was clueless to what everyone else was talking about. But now, I know I for one have renewed respect for her because she had the guts to stand up to the show's despicable bully and even got her to quit! On top of that, she was RIGHT!

Hooray for Elisabeth!

Nuns at Mother Cabrini Know God's Intentions

Amazing, isn't it, that religious people know when God is trying to tell us something and when it's just a "freak of nature" that causes something to happen?

The Denver Post is reporting that a bolt of lightning severed the hand and damaged the foot of a 22-foot tall statue of Jesus in Golden, Colorado. But according to the nuns who work at the shrine, God wasn't sending any messages. It was just a thunderstorm and a freaky bolt of lightning. Their biggest concern was that someone didn't get hurt by the falling hand of "the savior." Must be nice to have that direct line to the Lord so you know what he's up to!

But this isn't the scariest part of the story. The Post included a poll with their online report of the incident. It reads:

Poll - Lightning Jesus
Do you think there is any religious symbolism in the lightning that struck and be-handed the 22' marble Jesus statue in Golden?

Then they provide the follow choices for answers:

No
Not really
Maybe
Yes, a little
Yes
I don't know

"Be-handed?" - I'm not sure this has ever been used before in the English language. Just because beheaded is a word, doesn't make be-handed or be-legged or be-pinkied acceptable!

And what's the difference between "No" and "Not really?"

But I'm knit-picking the details of a ridiculous survey that The Post should be ashamed they even considered including - much less actually doing it

I've said it before, I'll say it again - responsible journalism is dead.

Antidepressant Marketing is Insulting

I find most all pharmaceutical marketing to be pretty lame. First of all, you can't go out and buy any of the products they are selling. Your objective, professionally trained physician must carefully evaluate and prescribe your medication and not be swayed by millions of dollars of advertising and promotion. Yeah, right! Why do you think every ad includes the phrase, "ask your doctor if (fill in the blank) is right for you."?

I'm particularly disgusted by the advertising I see for antidepressants - and the worst offender is the Eli Lilly Company. You see, Prozac, which is probably one of the most unnecessary, over-prescribed medications in the history of the world, is coming off of patent and will no longer be exclusive to Lilly. So what do they do? Come up with a replacement, Cymbalta. They are now pushing this hard on TV and in print and are totally clueless as to what they should really be saying.

"Depression hurts" is the theme of their campaign. They show a sad mother who can't care for her kids or man who refuses to play with his dog. The thing is, someone who is truly depressed - someone who truly needs medication to combat severe, clinical depression - doesn't care! You're too depressed to be concerned with what's going on and showing happy families enjoying each other does NOT motivate you to run out and ask your doctor if Cymbalta is right for you! Actually it just makes you more depressed to see these fun-loving people who obviously don't have nearly the severity of problems in life that you face.

If anything, Lilly should be marketing toward the NON-depressed people who might be able to step in and do something for a loved one who is suffering. Talk to the people who can do something - not the depressed person who feels powerless.

This assumption - that depressed people want desperately NOT to be depressed any longer - is a fallacy that totally negates any value their multi-million dollar ad campaign might provide. But then again, their motivation is not to help people. It's to sell unnecessary drugs, so I guess it doesn't really matter what they say or to whom they say it.

As far as they are concerned, you could have a fungal toenail...just be sure to ask your doctor if Cymbalta is right for you!

I Wish I Had Never Heard of Megyn Kelly

Until very recently I was blissfully oblivious of the existence of Megyn Kelly (formerly Megyn Kendall, but back to Kelly after her divorce). She is a "reporter" on Fox News, and apparently a "former attorney" as well. Her official bio is here.

I'll reveal how I became aware of her in a moment. I decided before I pass judgment on this sorry excuse for a journalist I would investigate her life and career a bit more thoroughly. She has a very brief and unrevealing entry on Wikipedia, but I now discover even that is tainted by her past indiscretions.

It seems Ms. Kelly initially became famous not for her reporting skills - if there are any - but for having an affair with fellow newsperson Brit Hume. I don't really know or care much about it, but it seems she has no qualms about spreading her legs or opening her mouth in order to further her career. At least she is self-aware enough to know there's no other way she is going to climb the journalism ladder.

Then there is her rather insipid live report from Virginia Tech following the mass shootings on campus. She attended a vigil held on campus and it was embarrassing how inarticulate this woman proved herself to be. Every third word was "uhm" and she found it impossible to string together a sentence, let alone one that made any sense. She reported that the people there were there and a police escort escorted people who might have been family members to the area. It was horrible! But she sure looked good! Got to give her that!

Finally, and this is why I wish I had never become aware of her existence, she recently appeared as a guest on Bill O'Reilly's show. She was there to discuss a rape in Massachusetts in which the brother of a woman's boyfriend forced himself on her and then fled into the night. I'm not sure what insights she was supposed to bring to this report, but there she was, ranting and raving in the best Bill O'Reilly fashion.

At one point Ms. Kelly criticized the rapist by saying, "It was only a two minute exchange - so she lost on all ends."

Yep, she actually felt sorry for the victim because, not only was she raped - and by her boyfriend's brother no less - but he was only able to give her two minutes of enjoyment!

This upsets me tremendously. This kind of insensitivity, by a woman, on a major (debatable) news network TV show, is pretty sickening. And it makes me very hateful, which I truly don't enjoy. I find myself hoping that MeGYN (what is THAT all about?) finds herself pinned under a large, hairy, sweaty rapist who penetrates her for a good 30 minutes or more - repeatedly shoving himself in and out, ejaculating his disease-infested semen deep into her over and over again. When she gets out of the hospital, now suffering from several STDs and a good dose of post-traumatic stress, let's sit her down in O'Reilly's studio and ask her if she enjoyed it. And maybe invite any and all sex-starved degenerates out there to come give her another good time whenever they want. Let's make it a contest! See who can keep it up and rape Megyn Kelly the longest! NBC is looking for another Deal or No Deal - here it is!

Somehow we need to get this sorry excuse for a journalist, for a woman, for a human being off the air for good.

The Unreal World of Paul and Shaha

The Paul Wolfowitz saga just continues to get weirder and weirder. I guess once you become a Washington insider, you basically live a charmed, unreal, untouchable life. It is so far removed from the reality most of us face, it astounds me.

I don't even want to go into his Iraq connection. That alone is enough that he should be deported to some lonely hot baren island for the rest of his life. So the White House decides they've got to get rid of him and he lands this sweet gig at the World Bank, despite objections from just about the entire world. They pay him $375,000 a year and he gets to work with his girlfriend, Shaha Riza, again. What does he do? He promotes her and gives her a $6000 raise. All I could think is that she must take all four inches really, really deep to deserve this. Then I took a look at her picture! Sheesh! If he's going to commit political and professional suicide for a woman, you'd think he would at least find himself a trophy babe. Maybe Libyan women know some special "secrets" that really turn Wolfie on!

Of course just today Tony Snow announced that Wolfowotz will has the full backing and support of the Bush Administration. And remember, Donald Rumsfeld was the greatest Secretary of Defense this country has ever seen! They just roll in the bull they spew out.

Everybody else calls for his head and he realizes everyone hates him so much there's really not much reason for him to try and hold onto this job. It turns out his agreement with the world bank guarantees his salary even if he gets fired or resigns. Yep. How many of us have anything close to that in our jobs? You get fired, and you're lucky to get two weeks. You resign, and that's it!

Well, Wolfowitz is now "negotiating" his resignation. What? Again, in the real world you don't negotiate leaving a job. And if you try, heck, they can always just fire your ass. This is exactly what the World Bank should do with Wolfowitz - and forget the money. Let him take them to court. Ridiculous!

Apparently what he's after is some admission from the World Bank that they are somehow also responsible for how screwed up it is. The ultimate hubris is to refuse to admit anything is your fault. And that's just what Wolfowitz is doing. I'll quit, but only if you tell everyone it's not my fault. Your forced me to give my sweetie a raise! I wouldn't have done it if the World Bank wasn't run so poorly. Give me a freakin' break!

Go away, Paul, and take Shaha with you!

Hotel Executives Call for Immigration Reform

I listened to an interview on NPR tonight. On the Marketplace program Kai Ryssdal interviewed Bill Marriott of the Marriott hotel chain. It seems Mr. Marriott and five other major hotel executives have written an open letter to Congress calling for immediate immigration reform. (The other signers of the letter are: Matthew Hart of the Hilton chain, Stevan Porter of Intercontinental Hotels, Thomas Pritzker of Hyatt, Jonathan Tisch of Loews and Bruce Duncan of Starwood Hotels and Resorts.)

The letter can be read or downloaded here. (It's a PDF file.)

I am very skeptical. I don't trust rich CEOs. Especially ones that work in an industry that pays immigrant labor extremely substandard wages. I doubt any of these six men have problems putting food on the table or paying their mortgages. And it's primarily by paying their employees barely enough to survive that they are able to earn the exorbitant incomes I'm sure they all enjoy.

I'm suspicious, even though they want immigration reform for the right reasons. They want secure borders and a respect for the laws of the land. But they also call for paths to citizenship for people who want to stay in our country. It's hard to find fault with anything in the letter. They are asking Congress to do the right things to clean up the mess and stop some of the horrible abuses that so many people suffer in trying to find a better life in the United States of America.

Much of my suspicion stems from a comment Mr. Marriott made about not being able to fully open hotels because he can't hire enough people to properly prepare and clean the rooms. Well, I don't really see what this has to do with immigration except he doesn't want to hire "illegal" aliens - he wants the government to make them "legal" through the reforms he and his cohorts recommend. This skirts the issue of fair wages for the important work these people do. Immigrant labor will work cheap, so these hotel executives need a continual supply of desperate poof people in order to keep their operations going. I guess somehow the idea of an ongoing flow of cheap laborers makes more sense to them than paying people what they are worth. There are plenty of American citizens who need jobs, and I'll bet all things considered, working for a major hotel chain could be kind of nice. But not at $9 an hour when you have two kids to support.

So I think what these wealthy men have done is write a very intelligent, proper letter that addresses a serious problem. They have offered up reasonable solutions that should all be enacted. They come off looking like very proactive, concerned American business leaders who are fed up with politics and inaction. Bravo!

But it's hard to ignore their obvious ulterior motive. And the hubris they share to think no one will notice. When one of these white, wealthy men forgoes his multi-million dollar bonus to give a little extra to the people who make it possible for them to stay in business, I'll be the first to take back my skepticism and offer a "bravo" for real!

A Good Side to Subprime Lending? I Don't Think So!

Normally NPR doesn't upset me. I find the information valuable and the commentary enlightening. Even when I hear things that irk me, they are usually balanced so on the whole I come away glad I listened.

Not so tonight. There was a commentary from some woman I have never heard of - Susan Lee - entitled "There's a good side to subprime lending." You can listen for yourself and/or read the transcript here. But I'm so irritated by the idiotic, twisted logic of this New-York based "economist and commentator" that I feel a need to rip it apart.

Following is Ms. Lee's commentary, along with my responses.

OK, so the subprime mortgage market is plagued with fraud and abuse. But what would the housing market look like without subprimes?

The way things are going, we just might find out what the housing market will look like without these predators. They're dropping like flies lately!

For starters, homeownership wouldn't be at a record high of 69 percent. It would be several percentage points lower.

Again, thanks to them that rate is dropping daily...by the thousands!

And those percentage points represent lots of would-be minority buyers — blacks and Latinos who would've been shut out of the market.

This is where she really starts to get warped. Just who does she think are the people who are most suffering from totally overextending themselves? Who does she think are the people who are now losing their homes because of the deceitful practices of the subprime lenders?

Credit is a good thing. It allows people to use the services of something without having to pay for it all at once, up-front.

Yeah, OK...duh! But how about the fact that nobody in America is managing to save any money any longer? And that bankruptcy is rampant? And our nation is so far in debt - both personal and the government - that we might never climb out of it without a major depression?

Credit lets people drive cars, go to college and live in houses. It's axiomatic that an efficient economy runs on a well-functioning credit market.

And the economy collapses when no one can any longer pay back their debt! No way is this woman an "economist!" What an inane, stupid comment!

Until the subprime mortgage market came along, about 17 years ago, home ownership was mostly restricted to the rich and middle class.

I suppose you could say it that way, but in reality home ownership was restricted to people who could afford to pay the mortgage! What was the real benefit of giving people money knowing full well they will probably NOT be able to continue making the payments, especially if they continue to spiral upward much faster then the person's income possibly can? The benefit is a quick hit for the unscrupulous subprime lenders. The whole subprime industry is based upon greed.

It wasn't until financial innovations like variable-rate mortgages and securitization that housing credit was extended to lower-income people.

Again, this is a good thing? No, it's not. And there's no such word as "securitization," you fool!

The problem is that lower-income people are greater credit risks. Their rates of delinquency and foreclosure are higher than richer people's. And they have to pay higher interest rates to compensate lenders for that risk.

Huh? The people who have the least amount of money are required to pay more money that the people who have plenty of money? I don't get that. Why not just charge the rich people a higher rate to cover the cost of defaults from low-income borrowers? Now THAT'S fair!

And so it's no wonder that as soon as interest rates started climbing and the housing bubble began popping, the subprime market began to totter.

Wait a minute...isn't this commentary about a "good side to subprime lending?" Didn't she just completely contradict her entire premise? At this point I think her credibility is completely shot.

But let's not exaggerate.

We don't have to. The facts are scary enough without embellishing them!

So far, fewer than 15 percent of subprime borrowers have been late with their mortgage payments.

Hmmm...that sounds like a lot to me. 15 percent of an entire industry has had trouble making their mortgage payment? That's horrible! But let's not exaggerate.

And even if 20 percent of subprime mortgages end up in foreclosure, it still leaves the other 80 percent of subprime borrowers cutting their own lawns and, most important, creating wealth in the form of home equity.

OK, you have just officially become a total moron. I'm impressed with your mathematical abilities, but "creating wealth?" A lot of subprime mortgages are interest-only. Nobody is making any money but the lenders. All the borrowers have is a place to sleep and a huge money pit that takes more and more of their income every month.

Yes, let's clean up the subprime market and help salvage the homes of people suckered by aggressive lending. But let's not forget the subprime market serves poor minorities — and that's a good thing.

No, Ms. Lee, it SCREWS poor minorities, as does your subprime commentary. NPR should be ashamed for giving you an opportunity to spew your ignorant (and actually somewhat racist) opinions in an attempt to whitewash a serious disaster that should send many, many people to jail.

What Do You Call a Soft Drink?

I came across this interesting study on Digg today. Apparently somebody at East Central University in Oklahoma asked over 120,000 people in 2003 how they refer to a soft drink. It turns out the answers are extremely regional. Since I have lived in the North, South and West, I find myself equally at ease referring to the beverage as a soda, pop or coke...even though my preferred drink is Diet Mountain Dew.


If you would like to go to the actual map, click here. If you do so, you can click on any state and it will give you a list of the counties and a count of the actual responses to the survey.

I'm really interested in the "other" category. I'm can't think of many other terms that are used to refer to soft drinks...except for one. I vividly remember my 6th grade gym teacher who frequently ended class a few minutes early so we would have time to buy a "sody water" to quench our thirst.

Marketing Jargon - "The Other Guys"

Have you ever noticed how many advertisers and marketers call the competition "the other guys?" It's pretty stupid. I'll explain why they do it.

You see, in the halls of any manufacturer's headquarters brand managers are totally obsessed with "the competition." They don't care whether they are #1 or #20 in the market, they talk in very violent, war-like terms about killing the completion, burying the competition, wiping out the competition and the likes.

The thing is, they realize (except for automobile dealers) that people don't think in terms of "the competition." When we make a choice between one brand or service over another, we don't think in terms of competition for our business. We just try to decide who's a better value for our dollar. We're sure not trying to kill one brand by selecting it over another.

But they can't stand not bashing the competition - except, have you also noticed this - they are totally afraid to mention "the competition" by name. First of all, they're scared they'll get sued for saying something derogatory. But more importantly they are afraid if they mention the competition's name, they just might inadvertently drive some business to them. They figure the public is stupid anyway, so they certainly don't want to educate them about who else might be deserving of their attention.

Hence, "the other guys." It serves the marketer's obsessive need to lash out at the competition, while at the same time not specifying who they are or saying anything tangible about them. It's completely gutless and lame, but if you pay attention you'll be amazed at how many brands use it. Pizza Hut and Geico Insurance are two of the biggest perpetrators.

Pizza Hut is running a TV commercial in which a wimpy guy dances around on one foot with several pizza boxes in his hands. He shouts to someone - presumably his wife, but from the looks of him it could be his boyfriend - "HONEY, THE PIZZA HUT DELIVERY MAN MESSED UP AGAIN! HE GAVE ME THREE MEDIUM SINGLE-TOPPING PIZZAS WITH MY CHOICE OF CRUST FOR A LIMITED TIME FOR THE SAME PRICE AS THE OTHER GUYS!"

(Yes, I made it even lamer than it actually is - but not by much.)

And Geico talks about eliminating the middle man, unlike the other guys. I'm not sure this is all that much of a benefit, but if they had some guts they would not only mention the competition but give us their rates the same way Progressive does. Progressive has a innovative approach that warrants their name. Geico just tries to murder the competition without telling us anything about them.

So the next time some advertiser talks about "the other guys" please roll your eyes and realize this is nothing more than a paranoid expression of their fear of competition. And then check out those other guys. They just might be a better deal!

Marketers Are Idiots - Video Professor Edition

I'm sure you're familiar with John Scherer, more commonly known as The Video Professor. Like most people who insist upon appearing in all of his company's ads and commercials, he's probably got an ego the size of his bald spot.

He always says, with mock sincerity, "try my product" when he's pitching one of his computer training programs. He doesn't realize that this totally alienates his audience and demonstrates how completely disconnected he is with his clientele. But as a businessman and entrepreneur it makes lots of sense to sell a cold, featureless "product." It doesn't matter what it is or what it does. It's got his picture on it, so TRY IT!

But what really struck me recently is one of his late-night infomercials where he holds up a CD and promises you his "product" is the answer to all your computer illiteracy problems. Know what was on the face of the CD? Training for Windows ME! Yep, the operating system that was one of Microsoft's biggest disasters, which was released over seven years ago and is now thankfully obsolete. If anyone is still using Windows ME and feels a need to learn anything at all about using it, they deserve The Video Professor's brand of minimal, meaningless instruction.

While you're at it, you might want to check to see if The Prof can send you some CDs on MS-DOS, Lotus 123 and WordPerfect. I'll bet they're still in the catalog. May as well try them, right? After all, he asks so nicely.

More Verizon Idiocy

Verizon is on a roll!

They're currently running a television commercial - and based upon how often I've seen it they must be spending a fortune - that features a technician talking to a little boy about their fiber optic service. He throws out all sorts of technical terms and ends up saying, "Light so clean it's 20db hot. True QUAM." Then he opens the back of the truck, it's glowing inside and the little boy says, "Nice truck!" You've probably seen it.

Well, not many people have any clue what "true QUAM" means or even what it is referencing. QUAM is an acronym for "quadrature amplitude modulation." I don't really understand it, but it has to do with sending a communication signal by adjusting (modulating) its amplitude in much the same way that an AM radio signal is sent.

The thing is, QUAM is NOT used with fiber optic lines, which are completely digital. So this Verizon technician's reference to QUAM in the commercial is just bogus bunk and Verizon assumes people will be impressed because they don't know better. Dupe us with jargon and we'll think you're cool, huh?

What's more, QUAM is just QUAM - there's no "true" or "false" to it. Saying "true QUAM" is pretty much the same as saying "true AM" when talking about your car radio! Totally meaningless.

Verizon = bullshit. But it is a nice truck.

Pastrami? What's That?

I just received confirmation that our society is doomed!

Today I decided to stop at the Subway Restaurant that's on my way home from work to get a sandwich. I had stayed late, was tired and I happen to really like Subway sandwiches. Their honey oat bread is fantastic and, because they bake it on-site, it's always very fresh and tasty. (If that's just a marketing ploy and they really don't make it fresh, don't tell me. I'm convinced I'm eating fresh bread and I want to continue living the delusion.)

I decided to order their new, highly promoted "Pastrami Piled High" sandwich. I've had it before a couple of times and, although it's a bit spicy, I enjoy having something different once in a while. And there aren't a lot of places that offer a pastrami sandwich around here.

So I approached the 18-something guy behind the counter and said, "I'm going to get a 12-inch on honey oat." He grabbed the bread and I said, "pastrami."

"Oh, what's that?" he asked. "What kind of meat goes on that?"

I said, "pastrami."

He turned to his female co-worker and asked her, "What goes on a pastrami?"

She came over and they both started looking at all of the trays and containers, trying to figure out what the heck pastrami is. He pointed at a stack of circular meats and asked me, "Is this what goes on it?"

"No," I said, "that's salami."

He turned to look at the menu board behind him and saw the big sign that says "Pastrami Piled High." "Oh, is that what you want?" he asked?

"Yep."

His co-worker realized they keep that in the back, so she went and grabbed the right plastic tub and finally the construction of my sandwich began. I thought my adventure in dumb-dumb land was over, but not quite. I moved down the line to the register, where the co-worker rang up my order. $6.69 was the total with tax. (Wow, that's an expensive sandwich, isn't it?) I handed her $7. The register showed that she owed me 31 cents in change, but she just stood there looking very confused. The only thing I could surmise is that she didn't quite know how to count out 31 cents. It took her a long time! She handed me two dimes, a nickle and six pennies. I'm serious!

The adventure was complete when my sandwich-maker guy got a phone call on his cell and decided to answer the phone instead of finishing my order. He did manage to hold the phone to his ear with his shoulder, and the extra time my cashier took to count out 31 cents gave him the time he needed to wrap up my sandwich and put it in a plastic bag. No napkins.

See what I mean? American society is doomed! But the sandwich was pretty good. I just wish I didn't have to wipe my mouth on my sleeve!

Random Capitalization

I came across this ad in a local newspaper. I was bothered by the rather random approach the ad's creator took with respect to the use of capital letters. There should be a word for this. It's not really being illiterate - it's more akin to not knowing how to use apostrophes or when to hyphenate (also not done correctly in this ad).

Maybe "case incompetence" would work. Whatever we call it, there's a Lot of it Out there!

Sheryl Crow's Legacy

I'm not a huge Sheryl Crow fan, but her music is OK. I think Subaru has run her into the ground with its long-time, non-stop use of her music in their television commercials. Still, she is a very successful and popular recording artist who has sold lots and lots of CDs, entertained many, many people live and on TV, and has used her fame in a very positive way to help draw attention to environmental issues.

They she suggested we only use one square of toilet tissue when we take a crap.

There is no radio or TV show that did not pick up on this and use it for a good laugh. Every magazine and newspaper in the world quoted her. Jay Leno still makes reference to it a few times each week. To almost anyone today, if you say her name, he or she will respond with a chuckle and mention her rather impractical recommendation.

Unfortunately, no matter what she has done musically or will do in the future, this is going to be her legacy. She will be the punchline to a joke and it won't even be necessary to say the joke!

Sometimes you just need to keep your mouth shut.

Marketers Are Idiots - Verizon Edition

The May 7, 2007 issue of Time Magazine has several articles devoted to the 400th anniversary of the settlement of Jamestown in Virginia. Obviously they approached some of their advertisers to suggest they tie in to the theme in their ads. AirTran did a nice job by creating a "boarding pass" for one of the ships that sailed from England. It was very clever and effective.

But Verizon, poor clueless, huge Verizon. Here's half of their incredibly expensive two-page spread:


To thrive, the people of Jamestown created a strong, reliable network. So did we.

HUH? What a lame, erroneous connection! First of all, the Jamestown people hardly thrived...they barely survived. And it had nothing to do with creating a network of any sort. They were isolated and had to resort to stealing from the Native American tribes in the area and eating just about anything they could find that could be cooked. Ultimately the Jamestown residents had to incorporate a very brutal form of slavery in their society in order to survive. I wonder how Verizon would compare their operation to that?

In 1607, 104 men sailed to Jamestown.

Well, no, not exactly. 144 men sailed and they actually started their journey in 1606. Forty died en route and they arrived in 1607. Facts are facts, and if Verizon is going to quote dates and numbers, they should certainly get them right. All they needed to do is change "sailed" to "arrived" but remember, they're idiots.

The rest of the copy in this ad is terribly amateur and makes almost no sense. One sentence is particularly idiotic:

Because a new chapter in our country's heritage began at Jamestown, Virginia, America's first permanent English settlement.

Well, prior to the founding of Jamestown there really wasn't any "heritage" on the continent other than the thousands of years it was inhabited by the Native Americans. But I don't think that's what Verizon was referring to. Jamestown really was Chapter One - not a "new" chapter. They are just obviously writing meaningless fluff that they hope no one actually reads or analyzes. Idiots!

So Verizon spent a lot of money to be associated with Jamestown by running a two-page spread in Time and buying the right to call themselves the Official Telecommunications Sponsor of America's 400th Anniversary of Jamestown. (Rolls right off the tongue, eh?) Sadly clueless, ignorant and insulting.

Mixed Feelings About John McCain

It is very difficult for me to criticize John McCain. After all he's a war hero from my - the Vietnam - generation. He was an Air Force pilot who put his life on the line time after time at his country's demand. No matter what you think about the Vietnam War, just like the situation today in Iraq, I think honoring the soldiers in the line of fire is just the right thing to do.

And then on top of that, he's shot down, captured and spends years - YEARS - inside a Viet Cong prison under conditions that I truly cannot imagine. I know I would have gone completely Hannibal Lecter and started biting people's faces off. But somehow he maintained his sanity, seemingly managed to put it behind him and moved on to a successful political career. And now he's running for President of the United States!

How can you say anything the least bit derogatory about such a man?

Well, I guess an interview back in March on his campaign tour bus in Iowa forces me to reconsider my attitude toward the man. At least I need to make sure he doesn't get elected to the office he currently seeks.

The article can be found in The Caucus, a blog that is a part of The New York Times. The author is Adam Nagourney. More of his posts can be found here.

Here is an excerpt:

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

This went on for a few more moments until a reporter from the Chicago Tribune broke in and asked Mr. McCain about the weight of a pig that he saw at the Iowa State Fair last year.

Part of me wonders is Mr. McCain can be this ignorant on such a widespread and important issue. I somehow doubt it, but he certainly comes off that way. I suspect his response has more to do with being clueless on how to be politically correct on such a tumultuous issue that divides so many people in our country. That and the fact that our current president is totally delusional about the issues and offers solutions that do more harm than good.

Mr. McCain deserves respect and admiration for what he went through 40 years ago and what he has achieved since. But as far as being our next president, please everyone, not a chance!

QUICK - Let's Pray!

I was listening to NPR's coverage of the devastation of Greensburg, Kansas. In one story Michele Norris interviewed Dennis McKinney, who happens to be a state representative from the community and barely survived by jumping into a bathtub in his basement with his 14-year-old daughter. He is very articulate and tells an incredible story. It seems he was expecting a neighbor and her one-year-old infant to join them, but the storm came on so quickly that they couldn't get out of their house in time. Fortunately all four of these people survived and apparently the child, although covered in rubble, was completely unharmed.

The audio from this interview can be found on NRP's website here.

The thing that struck me about this story is what Mr. McKenney said near the beginning when he bolted into the basement and told his daughter the neighbors, who didn't have a basement, weren't going to be able to join them. He reported his daughter responded by saying, "Quick, let's pray for them!"

Yeah, that's sure going to save them! What makes people think this way? By uttering some words while closing your eyes tightly the tornado is going to bypass these people and spare them the death that came to so many others? Wait, what about those people who died? Why didn't you pray for them and save them too? But, I'm confused, if God is in control of this tornado, why did he send it to destroy Greensburg anyway? Did somebody there do something bad, like worship some other god or something?

Quick - let's pray. She may as well have said, "Quick, let's make frog noises!" It would have had the same effect. And as far as I'm concerned, wouldn't have been any less ridiculous.

Local News Can't Help But Suck

The NBC affiliate in Washington, D.C. is a pretty good station. (Their website is here.) Their news anchors have been with the station a long time and are well liked and respected in the community. And, after all...it IS NBC...it IS Washington...you should expect some pretty good reporting.

But I guess even the best stations can't help but suck once in a while. They certainly did tonight with their report on food tampering at a middle school in Herndon, VA. Reporter James Adams visited Rachel Carson Middle School to investigate some incidents of straight or sewing pins being found in food in the cafeteria. Serious stuff, no doubt. But his report sure left a lot to be desired.

He interviewed three students as a part of the story he submitted. In the first he asked a girl sitting in a car with her mother about the reaction of other students to this discovery. Her response was a quiet, timid, little, "I don't know. I haven't seen any." Wait! This is the best response Mr. Adams could obtain? Somehow this advances his story and make a point worth broadcasting?

OK, then he interviewed a young man who flatly responded with, "That would be bad...I mean you could eat that or something." Hmmm...a pin found in food...you might eat it...wow, Mr. Adams is really breaking this one wide open!

A little later he interviewed a very perky girl who says, "Ick...it might have a bacterial virus on it or something!" Yep, she said "bacterial virus" - not "bacteria or virus" - "bacterial virus."

Now, I completely understand it's almost impossible to find an articulate 14-year-old, but that doesn't mean you put stupid responses on the air. You've got editorial control! YOU decide what gets broadcast and you don't just go with what you've got if it's inane. That is, unless my premise, that sometimes local news just can't help but suck, is true. This story sucked!

Lastly, Mr. Adams interviewed a parent who uses this as an opportunity to rail at the school's administration for not doing something sooner, warning parents about the problem, making sure this kind of thing doesn't happen, etc., etc., etc. Basically she was living her 15 seconds of fame and making the best of it. Again, editorial control --- PLEASE!

For what it's worth, shortly after this story aired, it was time for sports. And Lindsay Czarniak could gargle the scores of the day for all I care. Her five minutes of airtime is the best thing on this station! She's going to have to find a hairstylist at some point, but one day she'll go network for sure!

Read Lindsay's official station bio here.

Olivia Munn - Please, It's Meta-KA-FEY

I subscribe to a podcast from G4 called Around the Net. It's a little summary of three or four "viral videos"* that they found on the Internet that day. They rotate hosts a lot, but Olivia Munn tends to be one of the regulars.

I think she is a great host for a show like this. She's terrific to look at and knows she is every Internet geek's wet dream. She always wears tight pants and a low cut top that amply reveals two of her finest assets. Beyond that, she's funny and clever and her sarcasm about the videos is very enjoyable to watch.

However, there is one thing she does repeatedly that has started to drive me nuts. Even though all of her co-hosts pronounce it correctly, every time she references a video from a certain website, she says "Meta-calf".

Olivia, it's Metacafe - as in meta and cafe. Cafe is pronounced ka-fey, not calf as in a baby cow. Their slogan is "serving the world's best videos" - so, yes, they are using the metaphor of a cafe, which typically serves food. Her co-host will announce, "And on metacafe..." and then a few moments later or on a subsequent episode, Olivia says, "And on metacalf..."

Why doesn't anyone correct her? Or maybe she's doing it on purpose so guys like me go nuts. She seems awfully smart, so maybe it's her way of playing dumb to get even more attention than she does already. I don't know, but it bugs the heck out of me. Olivia, please stop it!

*I have started to take exception to the term "viral video." A video only becomes viral if it catches on and gets passed around the web. Just because someone uploaded a video to one of the many sites displaying them now, it's not automatically "viral." G4 and a lot of other reviewers have started to refer to anything uploaded by frat boys who do nothing but chortle while one of their buddies abuses his genitals as "viral." But this is an adjective that has to be earned over time. However, this doesn't bug me half as much as Olivia saying "metacalf" so I'm relegating it to this footnote.

Joining the Comcast Bashing

I don't normally like to bash a company just because everyone else is. I actually do like to form my own opinions about who's stupid and who is doing a good job. But I've got to tell you, the fact that poll after poll shows Comcast's Customer Service to be right at the bottom of the barrel, makes it hard not to react a bit harshly when I too became their victim.

A few months ago, Adelphia (a company with BIG problems of their own!) was bought by Comcast in my area. The transition seemed to go rather smoothly, although I did have a problem with one of my bills. During the switch over they didn't send me one. OK, I kind of expected there could be some glitches like that. But they DID add a late fee on the next one, which I happen to think is completely unfair. I called Comcast Customer Service, and the rep told me should would make a one-time-only adjustment to remove the $3 fee from my bill. I hope their profits for the month didn't suffer too much for this.

All was going fine until this month. I got my most recent bill, and it indicated my account was overdue. They never recorded my payment from last month. Well, I immediately checked with the bank, and sure enough, it was paid in full before it was due. It should have been posted to the account.

I called Customer Service, but they showed no record of the payment. The rep asked me if I could produce "proof" from my bank statement that it was paid and paid before the due date. I said I could. And this is where it gets kind of crappy.

According to the rep, the ONLY way to clear this up is to take the printout from the bank to the local Comcast office and show them in person that the payment was made. HUH? I can't mail it? Or e-mail it? Or fax it? Or enclose it with the next payment? Nope. Got to get in the car and drive to the office, which is only open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and happens to be about 10 miles south of town. This seems a bit absurd, especially since I didn't do anything wrong and I'm basically clearing up THEIR mistake!

But I did it. I drove to the office, which was not easy to find, I might mention. I waited in line, produced the proof, and now I hope my account is cleared up. We'll see, won't we? Somehow I suspect I'll be calling Customer Service again - and making another drive to their way-out-of-town office.

Marketers Are Idiots - Radio Edition

I heard a radio commercial on the way to work today. I remember a lot about it, because it was so incredibly bad. No, not just bad...stupid! The company behind it, the people who wrote and produced it - they are all idiots with a capital "I"!

I think it was for some sort of building product, or perhaps a construction company. Their slogan was moronic: Nobody builds a perfect home. But we build a better one. That has got to be one of the lamest claims to fame (or USPs) I have ever heard! Kind of like the argument that better is better than best because if you're the best and someone is better they are actually better than you. (Yes, I had that discussion with an idiot marketer once.)

OK, lame slogan aside...the name of the company? Heck if I know. They never really said it. Instead they kept telling you to go to a website called "compare -------" followed by what I assume was their company's name. But what the announcer said was something like simtech or simptech or symtecks or simtex or maybe it was cymtek or cymtrek. Whatever the word was, it was made up and could be spelled dozens of different ways. I actually went online and googled it in as many different ways as I could. Nothing!

(Maybe they're a demolition company and they're advertising an explosive. If not, then why would a construction company call themselves something that sounds so much like....oh, never mind. Logic obviously does not apply in this situation!)

You think they're sitting around wondering why they aren't getting more traffic to their "compare sym, cym, sim or whatever-the-heck-it-is website? Probably thinking, "Damn, radio just doesn't work for us...." Well, yeah, if nobody can understand your name and you're asking them to type it into a computer, you idiots!

You'd think common sense - much less marketing savvy - would prevail at times like this. Nope. Marketers ARE idiots!

Marketers Are Idiots - Now With Hoodia Edition

I just saw a 10-second TV commercial for a brand of tea I had never heard of. First of all, 10s are an odd form of advertising. They go by awfully fast, but most marketers think it's just a shorter version of a :30 and all they have to do is talk faster. 10s work best when you are imparting a very simple and single message.

The message in this spot was, Mega-T Green Tea - Now with Hoodia! Well, I suppose that would be OK if the moron marketer hadn't made two broad and erroneous assumptions. The first is that the American public is familiar enough with Mega-T Green Tea that we are going to immediately recognize the name and remember the package. Well, sorry, this isn't Campbell's Soup or Coke. Mega-T Green Tea just isn't enough of a household name to get away with assuming people recognize your brand.

Secondly, the idiotic marketers at this company assume that everyone has heard of hoodia, knows what it is, knows what it (supposedly) does and immediately recognize it as a good thing. Otherwise you could say, "Now with piddypat" or "Now with flatula!" and it would have the exact same impact - which is zero.

So to go on TV and yell twice in 10 seconds the name of your product and add "now with hoodia!" is pretty ludicrous. Actually, I had never heard of hoodia and it made me laugh. I thought they had made it up! Of course, now that I know it's a form of cactus that only grows in South Africa and that its claim to fame is that it is 10,000 more powerful at telling your brain you're full than glucose, I'm intrigued. But I really don't think most people out in TV Land are going to do a little research just because the Mega-T company made this earth shattering announcement.

They say the proof that hoodia works is that there are no fat Kalahari bushmen! Now THAT would be worth yelling about in a 10-second commercial!