Fires Not Set By Terrorists

Poor Fox News...poor right-wing blowhards...poor Bush administration. So the Southern California fires weren't a terrorist plot after all. Just some sad little boy playing with matches. That's got to be hard to take. I mean the speculation was so intense. How many more of our civil rights could have been taken away - if only it had been another attack on America!

This article on MSN.com says it all.

But wait...maybe that's just what the terrorists want us to think! Maybe they put those matches into that little boy's hands! No, this is a cover-up by the left-wing media. They planted this story just so we'd divert out attention! Osama bin Laden himself struck the match and put it into the boy's hand with instructions to throw himself into the fire once it started! Had to be, right?

OK, get ready for round 2, America. This ain't over yet!

Taco Bell's Marketers Are Geniuses

Marketers today are typically desperate idiots. But the people at Taco Bell have done a fantastic job over the years of tying in to the World Series. They have done it again this year with their "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco" promotion.

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series since 1990, so it's a pretty safe bet that there was going to be one in 2007. But more importantly is the buzz that this created both on the field and in the broadcast booth. The Fox commentators kept mentioning the promotion and giving the audience updates on whether a base has been stolen yet or not. The network recorded conversations between players in the bullpen in which they discuss the possibility of everybody in America getting a free taco if only someone steals a base. The CEO of Taco Bell was interviewed as he watched Game 2 from the stands in Boston. It's estimated that the value of this additional publicity was something like $4 million. Hey, that pays for a LOT of tacos.

The idiot, fearful, ineffective marketers out there are saying, "How can they afford this?" "This is nuts...what if everyone in America takes advantage of their offer." Panic! Panic! Panic!

But this is where the genius of Taco Bell's marketers comes into play. First of all, they are restricting the hours during which a free taco is available. It's not their peak lunch or dinner hours. Next, a single taco is not a full meal for most people. Sure some people will stop in for just the free taco, but the majority will buy something else and probably a drink too. Nice profit margin on those beverages, you know.

But the real value is in getting people who might otherwise never stop into a Taco Bell or try their food to maybe, just maybe, become a regular customer. After all, as most good marketers know (not the idiots who would never try anything as bold as this) traffic is the key to almost any business's success. Get 'em in the door. Get 'em to try your product. That's 90% of the battle, and Taco Bell is going to benefit tremendously from this entire endeavor.

Marketers Are Idiots - Dental Floss Edition

I harp a lot at marketers because, well, they are complete idiots. It comes from their abject desperation at having no clue how to effectively communicate information about their products to a public that is overly saturated with ads - and quite frankly, doesn't care. Out of fear, they try to create emotional attachments where there are none, and elevate the importance of their product to that of air and water in the lives of their customers.

I stumbled upon a new level of stupidity recently - in a survey I took sponsored by some marketer of dental floss. Yes, a survey about dental floss!

It started off innocently enough with questions about how often I floss my teeth and what brands of dental floss I use. It got worse - and really stupid - pretty quickly. All of a sudden I'm faced with a grid that has something like 10 different brands of dental floss listed across the top. Down the left side are about 20 questions and I'm supposed to fill in the dot for the brands that best match the statements.

The questions assumed a deep personal involvement with my dental floss brand that I dare say doesn't exist in any sane consumer's mind.

"This brand knows my lifestyle and helps support it."

"I feel confident using this brand."

"This brand gives me a sense of satisfaction."

This brand bolsters my self-esteem."

I'm not making these up. Remember, these are questions about DENTAL FLOSS!

How desperate! How sad! Here are these moron marketers trying to justify the money they spend - or what to spend - to sell America on the idea that one brand of dental floss is better than another - because it "supports your lifestyle".

I can just see it now. Some guy who is scared to death about keeping his job, sharing the "data" with his boss, the VP, showing that their brand is preferred over the next leading brand by 4.6% because of the scientifically calculated satisfaction quotient he developed. He spent 20 hours creating the presentation and all the colorful charts and graphs. His conclusion, if we pump $23.8 million more into the marketing of our brand, we could potentially crack the 5% satisfaction barrier! Then both he and the VP get huge boners.

I put some rather inappropriate comments into my survey at this point, because quite frankly, I had no idea how to answer a question about the emotional satisfaction I receive from using one brand of dental floss over another. Marketers are sad, sorry, stupid people who go to tremendous lengths to justify their existence. And they have no idea how to conduct a proper, meaningful survey.

A more representative survey would have been a lot shorter:

Can you name a single brand of dental floss? Yes/No

No? Thank you for your time.

Deal or No Deal Has Become Predictable

I enjoy NBC's Deal or No Deal. I know it's totally low-brow, but there's something about it that grabs and holds my attention. And yes, the models are pretty spectacular. Howie Mandel makes it interesting, although he's a much better comic than gameshow host.

However, the show has become very predictable. It's almost a formula. That's probably by design, because they've found their niche and don't want to alienate or disappoint the audience.

First of all, the contestants have pretty much merged into a single "type." They all have a hard-luck story and really need the money. But they aren't very smart. More than any other common denominator, they are overcome by greed when they make it onto the program.

Here's how a typical show goes:

The overly energetic contestant has an abundance of false confidence. He or she is "certain" the selected case contains the million dollars. Absolutely. No doubt. Of course in the first round the actual million dollar case is revealed, but this doesn't seem to shake the contestant's previous belief that he or she possesses some sort of psychic skills.

At some point in the game the banker will offer six figures. Probably on the order of $130,000 to $180,000. But the contestant sees $250,000 - $300,000 - even $500,000 still on the board and assumes one of these is attainable. Or course the idiotic family and friends all yell "NO DEAL - NO DEAL" - "ONE MORE - ONE MORE". Without fail, the next "one more" case is the highest amount on the board and the next offer drops dramatically. Everyone yells, "It's OK. It's OK." But it's not. At this point the contestant is totally screwed and must continue to open cases as the offers drop significantly.

The clueless contestant finally accepts a deal for a few hundred dollars when it becomes obvious that the coveted case probably contains $25.

What I find particularly amusing is when Howie explains the odds to the contestant near the end of the game, trying desperately to convince him or her push the frickin' button and not get burned. "You have a one in three chance that one of two cases have at least $75,000 or more." You can see the contestant's eyes glaze over. All he or she can see is that one remaining $250,000 case shown on the board. At this point, they are playing the lottery. They are spending their grocery money to buy a Megabucks ticket. And at this point the producers of the show are counting on giving away $100 instead of a million, because greed never wins. Not a bad payout for a popular prime time Network show.

And I think this has become the primary appeal of Deal or No Deal. At first we wanted to see someone beat the banker and walk out with a ton of money. Now we want to see a train wreck. We want to see someone self-destruct. We want to see someone turn down hundreds of thousands of dollars and end up with pocket change.

More often than not, we get what we want. Too bad.

Nancy Grace is Pathetic

I just clicked on the TV. Unfortunately it was still tuned to CNN Headline News from this morning, and Nancy Grace appeared on the screen.

How does this woman manage to look into the mirror each day without barfing?

Tonight she is "investigating" a murder in Alabama. The bottom portion of the screen says:

URGENT NEWS - Honors Student Shot Dead in BMW

First of all, I don't see what is "urgent" about this. It didn't just happen and the police have no leads. But more importantly, what is the relevance that the dead person was an honors student - and what the hell difference does it make in what kind of car she was killed? I'm sure Ms. Grace is somehow trying to make this crime more personal by injecting details, but this is just lame. Then again, this is what Nancy Grace does, isn't it?

She keeps babbling her unsubstantiated conjecture about the crime and interviews a local police officer who basically says they don't know anything ten different ways. Nancy wonders aloud about all sorts of things that she couldn't possibly know, and shakes her head in disgust at this tragic loss.

If she doesn't make herself sick, she sure does it to me! Pathetic.

Feeling Sorry for Sen. Larry Craig

I'm watching Senator Larry Craig and his wife, Suzanne, being interviewed on NBC by Matt Lauer. They are seated in the living room of their beautiful Idaho home. It's all warm and soft - lots of wood. Senator Craig is in a pullover sweater, no tie, and Mrs. Craig is dressed in red. Lots of family photos spread all around the room.

The thing that's bothering me about it all is how adamantly the Craigs are protesting the recent bathroom pickup incident, but how weak and desperate their lame explanations are. I'm constantly reminded of the line from Shakespeare about protesting too much. It's not working. I'm not buying it. I'm seeing way too much panic and worry about one's image and legacy - and perhaps one's way of life. The lines all sound rehearsed and planned.

This seems especially true of Mrs. Craig. She jumps into the conversation so loudly and frequently - even though she wasn't anywhere near Minneapolis when Senator Craig was arrested - that you can just see how afraid she is of her entire life crumbling down over this. It's wonderful being a Senator's wife. But where's the prestige in being the wife of a disgraced, gay-bashing right-wing conservative who turns out to enjoy anonymous gay sex? And what does that say about her as a woman? You can see it on her face and hear it in her voice. She is scared shitless!

I kind of feel sorry for Senator Craig. He's not as good a liar as his Republican cohorts in Washington. He got caught and is desperately trying not to go down in flames. It probably won't work. He's probably done. If he hadn't been such a prick over his career and been so condescending in his righteousness, then this wouldn't be such a big deal. But he certainly isn't the first two-faced politician to crash and burn, nor will he be the last.

I feel sorry for him, but I hope his days in the Senate are over.

Microsoft Deserves Our Scorn

I bought my son a new laptop computer. He has an older HP that is pretty much falling apart. It's slow, the keys either stick or require a really long, strong press to respond, and the right button on the keypad only works about half the time.

I've had good luck with Dell laptops, so I decided that was the way I wanted to go. I considered a Mac because that's what they use in his school, but there's still a huge cost difference between a PowerBook and basic Windows laptop - especially since prices have seemed to really drop lately at Dell.

I have not switched to Vista at either work or home, so I'm only slightly familiar with it. However, there's no easy way to buy a new laptop without it being pre-installed. I guess you can make a special request at Dell, but it costs extra and they "officially" recommend you go with the newer operating system.

I fired up the new laptop in order to check it out and do a little bit of configuring before I turn it over to him. Of course I turned on Windows Update to see what happens.

CRAP! Here's a brand new laptop computer, turned on for the very first time, and it immediately needs 18 updates that comprise over 54MB of downloaded data! What is up with that? How long did Microsoft work on - and delay the release of - Vista? They wanted to make it perfect, right? They wanted it to be THE upgrade everyone has been waiting for. Secure. Bullet-proof. Right and tight. Then why the heck, right out of the box, do I need 18 critical updates? Could it be this product is total crap?

In what other industry would you buy something BRAND NEW and accept that it is so totally defective? If your new TV wouldn't get all the channels, would you keep it? If your new car needed 18 things fixed when you go to pick it up, would you be happy? Why is it necessary for there to be an entire branch of the computer software industry just to fix things that are wrong with the world's major operating system? Anti-virus programs, system optimizers, disk defraggers, firewalls, spyware removers, adware eliminators. I know there are lots and lots of really bad people out there who will do anything to break into someone's computer or simply spread their spam, but why does it seem so easy and why is it so hard for Microsoft to prevent it?

It's no wonder that Apple - and now Linux - are making such headway with the world's computer users. But Microsoft's near monopoly on operating systems will take a long time to unseat, if it can ever be done. There could easily be a worldwide computer meltdown before enough people wise up and dump this horribly incompetent product.

I've read that sales of Vista have been drastically less than what Microsoft anticipated or predicted. It's no wonder, since most of us have made a sort of working peace with XP. They came up with the idea of telling IT people that the reason they should switch is because it costs less to support Vista than XP - to the tune of about $1000 a computer per year? What? Don't they see the absurdity in this? XP sucks, but Vista sucks less, so switch, people, switch. Besides, we don't have enough money. Make Bill Gates the richest man in the world...oh, wait, too late.

Yes, Microsoft deserves our scorn. They sure as heck have mine!

Only in Theaters

Why do movie studios think it's necessary to add "only in theaters" to the end of their previews and promos? They all do it and I really can't figure out why.

Are they afraid people will think it's a TV show and therefore NOT go to the theater to see it? Are they afraid instead people will sit at home surfing from channel to channel trying to find the movie?

Or are they afraid people will go to the store looking for the DVD instead of shelling out $10 to go see it at the theater? Yeah, the studios push DVDs pretty hard when a movie becomes available, but are people really so stupid as to not realize the difference?

I can't think of an alternative reason for adding this stupid phrase to the end of the preview. I know the public can sometimes be awfully dumb - but I think this presumes a lack of intelligence on the part of movie-goers that isn't justified.

Pity for Marion Jones

I'm saddened by the latest news about Marion Jones. I don't think her use of performance-enhancing drugs should be condoned - after all, it's creating, it's illegal and every athlete knows what s/he can and cannot do to get an edge on the competition - but I can't help but feel the world has lost an impressive physical talent, and to many women, a very valuable role model. Damn, Marion, why?

She has such incredible talent and style...she is perfection in motion. Whenever I watched her I found myself amazed at just how beautiful the human body can be. 5' 11" - 155 pounds - not an ounce of fat - a six-pack any body builder would die for. She didn't need the drugs. She had the burning desire!

I also find it hard to imagine how much work and effort must go into being able to do what she does. Yes, she has a natural gift, but without the daily dedication and incredibly grueling workouts, she would just be attractive - not perfect. What's more, track and field is such a solitary sport. You compete with yourself, the clock, the tape measure...you don't have teammates to turn to for encouragement when the going gets tough. You have to be totally driven to attain perfection. And the drugs aside, I think Marion Jones got there.

What makes this whole incident even worse is how she somehow lost all of the money she earned from her various track meets and endorsement contracts. I still don't understand how someone with that much fame and fortune can lose it all, but I know she hasn't been the first and certainly won't be the last. The leeches came out and sucked her dry. But I guess ultimately the responsibility lies with Marion Jones.

I hope she recovers and I hope somehow she is able to continue being a part of the sport she obviously loves. Good luck, Marion!

Steinbrenner is a Dick

No duh! Everyone knows George Steinbrenner is a pompous ass. But he doesn't care. He's rich, famous and the majority owner of the best baseball team of the past century. I'm sure he somehow justifies being such a jerk with some higher purpose, but the fact is he is a horrible person and has not been good for the sport of baseball. I'm sure there's no way in the world you could ever convince him of that. Steinbrenner is hubris personified.

As I write this I'm watching Game 4 of the 2007 ALDS. The Indians have already gone up 2-0 in the top of the first inning. The Yankees have to win to keep the series going. If they loose, it's the Indians and Red Sox in the American League Championship Series.

Steinbrenner has announced in the press that he is going to fire Joe Torre if the Yankees don't win the series. What a horrible, classless thing to do. It's probably a publicity stunt and Steinbrenner is just trying to generate press for the club, but if not, it is as petty and childish a thing a person can do. Someone should kick him in the nuts.

If the Yankees lose...and if Steinbrenner fires Torre, I hope the city of New York reacts with such anger and indignation as to hit this jerk where it hurts most - in the pocketbook. I hope every season-ticket-holder turns in his seats and demands a refund. I hope the crowd boycotts the start of the 2008 season. I hope the press fries him and supports Torre, who has been every bit as good for the game of baseball as Steinbrenner has been bad.

Torre is a classy, talented, honest professional who deserves better than Steinbrenner's cheap-shots and low-class style. It's probably only because of Torre's personality that he's been able to survive working for George Steinbrenner as long as he has. He would be better off somewhere else and whichever team rushes to hire him will enjoy tremendous success. But this isn't the way to do it.

No Torre, no Yankees. Please, New York, show that you've got class even if "The Boss" doesn't. Let an empty Yankee Stadium tell Steinbrenner just what you think of his pathetic style.

HP Software Really Sucks

I have the software for two printers installed on my computer. One is a Lexmark X85 and the other is an HP 6100 series all-in-one. Well, recently I was away from home and needed to print something. An HP 1400 series was available to me, so I decided to take advantage of it. But I didn't have the software. No problem, I thought, I'll just download it from HP's website.

That was no easy task. First I tried simply downloading the drivers, but after three attempts at installing them, it simply refused to find the printer and always hung on the screen where you are supposed to install the USB cable.

So I decided to download the complete program - all bloated 192 MB of it. No, I didn't really want or need HP Photosmart Essential or HP Solutions Center, but I didn't have much choice. I'd spent far too much time on this as it was. Their server was just about the slowest I've seen for a major computer-industry company.

As I'm installing the software - second attempt, by the way - it tells me I have an older version of HP's "all-in-one" software installed on my computer. Yes, this is for the HP 6100 series printer that I normally use. It gave me no options, but told me it was going to update this software and assured me my old printer would still work with it. Yeah, right!

I finally got the software installed and it recognized the 1400. As I expected, I noticed the 6100 was now gone. OK...I at least got to do what I had to do.

Well, today I tried printing again to the 6100. No surprise, total gibberish. It sent something to the printer, but what came out was nothing but a few lines of symbols, then a sheet with one line of junk on it, and so on. It was only a two page document. After about 10 wasted pages I managed to notice what was happening and cancel the print job.

This is just stupid programming. Why would the engineer assume by installing one model of their printer's software that I want to delete a different one? Or why wouldn't they simply make this magical "all-in-one" software compatible with multiple printers? That's the impression they gave me with the information boxes that appeared during installation, but apparently this is not the case.

Just to confirm that HP software totally sucks and their programmers are morons, I noticed a new icon on my desktop when all of this was done. It's a shortcut that consists of the HP logo and text underneath it that says:

get your downloaded software

I'm not quite sure what that means? But it gets worse. The popup text that appears when you place the cursor over this icon reads:

download your downloaded software

Yep, HP, you suck! Want further proof? Simply do a Google search on "HP sucks" and you'll immediately get about 2.5 million results! There's a heck of a lot of HP-bashing going on out there. Must be a reason. Must be many reasons. I certainly found a worthy one. Somehow it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

Cadillac - It's All in the Delivery

There's a marvelous new commercial on TV right now for Cadillac. A very attractive woman is listing all of the cool things built into a Cadillac as she drives through the night. She finishes with a truly great ad line: "The question is, when you turn on your car, does it return the favor?"

What's so good about this line is, first of all, the incredibly sultry way in which she delivers it. But secondly, it lets the viewer decide what "turn on" means. If you want to think sex, fine. But it can also be a wonderful euphemism for "excite" or "energize." Lines that let the listeners or viewers define them in their minds instead of shoving something down their throats are by far the most effective.

However, delivery DOES count. As I said, part of what makes this work in the TV commercial is the way in which the actress says the words. She injects an incredible pause. But just today I heard a radio commercial for a local Cadillac dealer who obviously wanted to pick up on this new ad theme, but like many car dealers, feels he has the vocal skills to actually read and deliver advertising copy.

Imaging someone saying this very quickly, and pretty much without any inflection:

TriCity Cadillac wants to know if your car turns you on when you turn it on and if you want to save a LOT of money on a brand new Cadillac today!

Embarrassingly lame, but I'm sure he thinks he's doing his part to promote the national campaign. Of course when nobody comes into his dealership because he's a moron, I'm sure it will be the fault of Cadillac's advertising and not his pathetic attempt at being a commercial spokesperson.

The automotive industry has always had a huge problem. It spends a huge amount of money making some amazingly stunning national television commercials that are totally undone by all the local dealers who know absolutely nothing conveying a meaningful message to potential customers.

Marketers Are Idiots - Total Cereal Edition

The clueless morons who have no idea what to do to market their product are at it again! In a company as large as General Mills it's no surprise that there is no shortage of them.

I just saw a commercial for Total Cereal. It's got a lot going for it. It's a very healthy product, tastes, well, OK and comes in a variety of flavors that vastly improve upon the basic, bland version.

But this commercial!?!? It starts off playing an old Canned Heat song from the mid 1960s called On the Road Again. Very memorable song at the time, but really hasn't entered into the top tunes of the decade. But, like so many other stupid marketers out there, they figure people stop growing in terms of thought, arts, music and tastes when they reach about 25 years of age. Then, by simply playing a piece of music from that era - HEY, we are connecting with former hippies who are now in the 50s and 60s and in need of a healthy cereal that will help them lose weight!

IDIOTS! I am so freakin' tired of this marketing "strategy." They enhance the music with all sorts of outdated "psychedelic" animation and lettering, because, of course, that's the only kind of graphics "hippies" respond to! I think what really bothers me the most is that these ads are being created by 20-something copywriters and art directors at agencies who think this technique is an effective shortcut to reaching the baby-boom generation. It is NOT! It's patronizing and, as far as I'm concerned, does the exact opposite of what they are trying to do.

I hope this campaign fails miserably and heads at General Mills and their ad agency roll.