Saturday, July 28, 2007

Marketers Are Idiots - Tylenol Edition

Everyone knows that the generic or store brand of any over-the-counter medication is just as good as the name brand. In fact, it's identical. And usually quite a bit cheaper. A lot of people still buy the name brand, but they know they are spending more money for the exact same product. I'm sure there are some interesting psychological reasons why they do this. I don't.

If you take look at Tylenol's current marketing campaign, it's obvious that this fact scares the crap out of them. They have decided that the method to counteract the way store brands are eating into their obscene profits by launching their new "Promise" campaign.

The expensive, prime-time television commercial shows a number of Tylenol employees, each making a promise to the public to make a good product. They even claim that they inject "love" into their acetaminophen tablets. One of them vows to never forget that they are making something that "goes into someone's body." They are also very careful to point out that they "don't make store-brand products."


Interestingly, the commercial makes a big deal out of a new website they have launched. I went there and if they get more than my one hit it's totally beyond me why. The site shows nine different Tylenol employees, each with a story to tell via a video clip. In each one the worker makes a solemn promise to make Tylenol a great product and comment on what a wonderful family the company represents. I'm certainly not going to go back and check, but I'm pretty sure each employee makes reference to this - unprompted by the agency and corporation I'm sure! Of course there is a politically correct mixture of young, old - men, women - white, black, Hispanic - and long-time, new employees.

(The grammar cop in me also wants to point out that the instruction on the website's video monitor - "Choose an employee to hear their story" incorrectly mixes the singular noun with a plural pronoun - but this is minor stupidity compared to the massive lameness of the bigger idea at work here!)

So, rather than provide any solid reason why we should buy Tylenol over an identical store brand (actually there are none), they are trying to convince us it's better because it's made by people who care. If you want to be a part of this wonderful family, throw out your reprehensible store-brand pain relievers and only buy love-loaded Tylenol.

I wish they had shown one of the product's marketing managers. A scared-to-death clueless idiot who has no idea how to marketing his product other than making some lame, emotional appeal that is so transparent as to be laughable. Now that's a story I would have liked to have heard!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Why Does Cancel Mean Credit?

This happens to everyone every day. It's stupid and should be fixed, but no one ever will because it's so trivial and unimportant. I'm talking about using your bank debit card as a credit card - and how stupid the machines are that you need to use to do this.

I was in CVS Pharmacy. I'm not picking on them, but their card reader system is typical of what you find in a lot of places. You scan your card - or in the case of CVS you slide it into the machine upside down. You're presented with a screen and at the bottom it gives you one button for "Credit" and another one for "Debit." I don't know what the Spanish equivalents are, but they were there too. I used the little pen attached to the reader to hit "Credit".

After a moment, a screen pops up with a numeric keypad asking me to enter my PIN. This probably would also have happened if I had hit "Debit" so I'm not sure why I was given that choice in the first place. Nowhere on the screen does it say "Credit" but there is a "Cancel" button. Yes, that's what you need to press to pick credit. Not very intuitive, eh? You're not canceling your transaction or the process or even the screen. You're canceling...well, I don't really know what you're cancelong. Even though I knew better, I asked the cashier if I should hit cancel for credit. She rolled her eyes like she had been asked this question 1000 times and we should all automatically know that cancel means credit and said, "yes."

So I hit cancel and up came a screen asking me to confirm that I wanted to use my card as a credit card. Hmmm...didn't I say that on the very first screen? So I hit yes and up came the signature screen. I signed and then had to hit one more button, this time agreeing to pay the amount of my purchase.

Yes, this is a very minor inconvenience compared to most things in life, but I just don't understand why no one has finally done something to fix this stupidity. At the beginning of the transaction, ask if the customer wants to pay credit or debit. And then bring up either the PIN-entry screen OR the signature screen. Computers are smart enough to do this. I guess the people who program card readers aren't. At least not the ones CVS hires.

What makes this even more fun is when you happen upon a card reader that has actually been set up and programmed correctly. In this case, cancel really means cancel - and on more than one occasion, because I'm so used to having to compensate for the stupid systems out there - I have actually had to start over. Cancel actually DID mean cancel - everything! Go figure.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Marketers Are Idiots - Blue Bunny Edition


Blue Bunny ice cream is made by Wells Dairy in Le Mars, Iowa. I guess they're a pretty big company. They claim that more ice cream is made in Le Mars than anyplace else in the world. Great trivia answer should you ever be asked.

But their advertising is made - and approved by - idiots! I just saw a :30-second TV commercial running in prime time on a national network. It is so bad, I can't imagine the agency proposing it, much less a group of ice-cream marketers in Iowa approving it.

The setting is a TV game show like The Dating Game. I can't recall what they actually called it, but there is a young, attractive blond girl sitting on one side of a screen with a set of note cards in her hand. Typical '60s game show music is playing. She excitedly asks, "Contestant #1. Describe your perfect date."

Cut to a carton of ice cream sitting on a stool. Yes, a carton of ice cream. We hear a voice, presumably coming from the carton that says, "You, me and a spoon."

The girl seems intrigued. Apparently she has no idea that she is interviewing a carton of ice cream. So she asks another question. "Contestant #2, if you had to choose between good looks or great taste, which would it be?"

Cut to another carton of ice cream. We hear a voice in some strange foreign accent. "Fortunately, I don't have to!"

She smiles and continues. "Contestant #3. If you were ice cream, what flavor would you be?"

Another carton of ice cream and another voice. "You're kidding, right?"

At this point the girl just looks confused and the announcer chimes in with some drivel about ice cream that speaks for itself. Get it? The ice cream talks in the commercial, so it "speaks for itself!" Really clever, huh?

This is so lame I can't believe it. If you walked up to a 10-year-old on the street and asked him or her to come up with a television commercial for Blue Bunny ice cream, I guarantee you that you would get something better than this "professionally produced" spot. As I said, what amazes me most is that even one person in the board room at Wells Dairy nodded in approval when this ad was shown for approval. The agency's account executive should be shot.

But then again, marketers are idiots and they think their customers are as stupid as they are. And this is as stupid as it gets!

Fear-Mongering at a New Low

Everyone in this country with an IQ above George W. Bush's current approval rating has come to realize that keeping us "scared" is the #1 priority of the Office of Homeland Security. As long as we are trembling in fear from the evil-doers out there in the world, we will allow the government to take away all of our personal liberties. And we'll allow the executive branch of that government to totally subrogate the U.S. Constitution with their own warped interpretation of our laws.

So what happens when, darn it all, there hasn't been an attack on us lately? Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security, says he has a "gut feeling" that terrorists could strike us sometime this summer. "The intent to attack us remains as strong as it was on September 10, 2001," he said.

Give me - give us all - a break!

This is a new low in abject fear-mongering. Even if there's nothing to be afraid of, be afraid! Otherwise how can we protect you? Plus this is such a no-lose stance for DHS to take. If he's wrong, well, good! We're obviously doing a great job in deterring those nasties out there. If he's right, see, I told you so! Be afraid when we tell you to be afraid.

We're in trouble, people. Serious, dark trouble. I hope we can turn this around before it's too late.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Lev Grossman Has Lost My Respect

Actually I don't know if I have lost respect for Mr. Grossman or Time Magazine for letting him write such a moronic article as his Briefing in the July 23, 2007 edition of the magazine.

What's amazing is how much drivel he was able to pack into less than half a page.

First of all he makes a big deal out of the fact that J.K. Rowling published the Harry Potter series under that name instead of Joanne, and that she doesn't have a middle name - she added the "K" because she liked it better. Does any of this matter? Has no other author modified his or her name - or written under a pseudonym? Mr. Grossman has published two novels. Is "Lev" his real first name? Why didn't he use his middle name or initial if it's so important to have a "real" one?

Moronic!

Then Grossman compares Rowling's novels to those of J.R.R. Tolkein and C. S. Lewis. (I wonder why he made no comment about these authors' decision to use initials instead of names!) He cites the overtly Christian content of The Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia and says this is "missing" from Harry Potter. Then he actually write this idiotic sentence:

"If you want to know who dies in Harry Potter, the answer is easy: God."

Time even highlights this sentence in big red letters in the middle of the article!

What the hell is wrong with you, Lev? Rowling would have had to include God in her novels for Him to die, but that's beside the point. How absurd for you, a marginal novelist at best, to criticize Rowling for her omission of a deity in her word. Jealous much?

But he goes further to claim that Rowling is an atheist who has more in common with Christopher Hitchens (a journalist, not a novelist) than Tolkein or Lewis. Grossman, you are a moron! So anyone who writes a novel and doesn't include God is an atheist? This isn't just stupid, it's illogical bigotry.

The rest of the article is spent poking at Rowling for saying love is more of a motivating factor in Harry Potter than a deity. He also laments Harry's fate following the end of the final book in the series since he will be living in a godless world.

Go back and get your Ph.D., Grossman...or maybe Harvard discovered what an idiot you are and they wouldn't let you back in.

And Time, what are you doing? Where have your journalistic standards gone? Don't you read what your contributors write any more? Sad.

Monday, July 9, 2007

The Newest Most Annoying Person on TV

Adrianna Costa has become the newest most annoying person on television. Have you watched her on Fox's "reality" show On The Lot?

Prior to defecting to Fox, Costa was the Entertainment Girl (it's hard for me to call her a "reporter") on CNN Headline News in the morning. She showed up on Robin & Company to recap American Idol or gossip about who's doing what with whom in Hollywood. Obviously she was hired for her looks with the assumption that the majority of this show's audience are men looking for a little eye candy before tackling the world at work. She complained a lot about her lack of social life and how unpleasant it was to get up so early in the morning.

Now she's the hostess of On The Lot, where she does her best Ryan Seacrest imitation to introduce young filmmakers who are hoping to get a contract to make movies. She's not very good at it. In fact, she's pretty annoying. She wears the most outlandish inappropriate clothing in an effort to either show off her legs, enhance her bustline or show how many curves she's got. She is all over the young filmmakers, hugging and kissing the women and telling them how fantastic they look. Obviously looking fantastic is a very important part of her world. She routinely carried her makeup with her onto the CNNHN set and almost daily was caught by the camera flipping her hair or primping before her story starts.

It's very hard to watch her on her new show. She does little dips and throws kisses, sucks up to the judges and does her best to be the next Hollywood "personality" with no talent or skills, but massive fame and recognition. I'm sure we'll see her next in movies or maybe she'll get her own show. Someone I don't think anything she does is going to make her less annoying. Well, except maybe for the inevitable spread in Playboy!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Speculation is NOT News!

I'm watching CNN Headline News, which is the most schizophrenic network on television. It's great in the morning and infuriatingly stupid in prime time. But that's not the point right now.

The are covering "Breaking News" of a car chase in California. Police have been following a driver for over an hour on the northbound freeway. There are at least two news helicopters in the air following the chase and sending their feeds probably everywhere. It's actually kind of fascinating to watch this as it unfolds.

But the commentators are totally inane. I don't know how many they've got piped in, but I'm hearing at least four or five different voices, including Wallace Zeins, a former NYPD hostage negotiator. No, this isn't a hostage situation, but I guess they feel he has some valuable insights. Actually, because he knows police procedures, his comments are far more interesting that the ignorant newspeople's attempts to offer something relevant.

What amazing me is how these people keep talking non-stop with absolutely no knowledge of what's going on. They think it might be a woman, but they're not sure. She might be suspected of DUI, but maybe the chase started with a traffic violation. Could she have a gun? Might there be warrants out for her arrest? What is her mental state? Does she have curly hair?

The speculation keeps going on and on and on and as time goes by they seem to stretch further and further. Now they're talking about "copycat" crimes. Could she be copying something she saw or heard on the news? Could someone else think it would be cool to take the police on a long drive like this? And, oh do they love it when a police car pulls a little closer to her! Wait...wait...wait...something is happening here! They might be making a move on her! Oh, no, I guess not.

But I guess that's what we've come to accept from our newscasts these days. Instead of objectively reporting the news, we let our journalists ask a bunch of unanswerable questions and we assume they are doing their jobs.

Even better...they just broke away for a commercial break! Do you think they got a message to the police to not doing anything for the next couple of minutes? It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest!

And now I guess they are finally bored. Back to the studio and the news as scheduled.

Oh...wait! They just broke into a commercial to go back to the live coverage! She's slowing down and pulling over. And...now Comcast broke in with their OWN commercial! Incredible!!! Their pre-scheduled local commercial break took over! OK...back to live...and now our newscasters are asking why the heck the cops didn't force her to the ground and how they know no one else is in the car. Still doing their jobs. But I sure bet they wish it had ended in a spectacular shootout. Oh well, that Emmy will just have to wait until another day.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

What to Do About Bush and Cheney

I wish I had written this article. It sums up what has been going through my head for the past couple of days so perfectly. I hope every person who voted for George W. Bush in the last presidential election reads it, hears about it or has someone read it to him or her.

It's not too late. You made a mistake. We all did. And we all allowed it to go on far too long. But it's time to put an end to it all. It's time to make America great again. Do something!

Read this wonderful article here.

Then, as the article concludes, "throw the bums out!"

Monday, July 2, 2007

Libby Shoud Be Executed

I am so outraged at the news today - but I am also not completely surprised. So President Bush has commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby? I guess the only real surprise is that he didn't do it on a Friday night or holiday so that hopefully not many people would notice. Of course he did it in writing so he wouldn't have to own up to his decision. It's hard to look into a camera beaming your image to the country when what's going through your head is, "Screw you, America!"

As far as I see if, Libby is a traitor. He identified an active covert agent of our Central Intelligence Agency and put her life in jeopardy. This is a direct violation of law and a blatant act of treason. The fact that he did it as the behest of our vice president, also makes Cheney a traitor. And now that Bush has basically pardoned Libby, he has condoned this illegal act of treason.

Libby should have received a sentence of death for his actions.

Bush and Cheney should immediately be removed from office and, at the very least, imprisoned for their crimes against America.

I only hope this has totally doomed the Republican party from any hope of sending anyone to the White House or Congress in the next election. Of course, with the way things are going, this administration might find a way to completely circumvent every law of the land, invoke martial law and refuse to turn over power to whomever is legally elected in 2008. Scary thought, but that's exactly what happened in Nazi Germany. And every day Bush and Cheney are allowed to continue to destroy America, the more we start looking like the Third Reich.

Please, somebody, get rid of them now!