Marketers Are Idiots - Part Two

There are so many ridiculously bad television commercials and ads today that it's often hard to decide which one is most deserving of my time to rip it to shreds. Have you seen the one currently running for Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Relief? I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the advertising agency was presenting this concept to the client.

Imagine half a dozen brand managers sitting around a conference table as they are pitched on the exciting new campaign by the agency's senior VP, account executive, creative director and copy chief. There are boxes of all nine variations of Alka-Seltzer Plus Effervescents sitting in the middle of the table. (Yes, NINE different products - good luck figuring out which one you need!)

"OK, we have this woman standing in a completely white studio and she's got a terrible cold."

"How do we know she has a cold?"

"Her nose is kind of red and, uh, the announcer says she has one. Then she shivers and sneezes. OK, now imagine this...she plops a couple of Alka-Seltzers in a glass of water and sets it on the floor by her feet. Then she jumps up in the air and magically drops into the glass of bubbling water!"

"Magically?"

"Yeah, kind of like if she jumped into a swimming pool feet first, except it's a glass of water with Alka-Seltzer in it! Then we cut to her like she's under water, but she's smiling while she fights to keep her eyes open. But the cold is gone! She's smiling!"

"More magic?"

"Yeah, and then she pops out of the glass, back onto the empty white studio, but she's cured!"

"Is she all wet?"

"No, she's magically dry - and cured! (long pause) So, whatta ya think?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Oh, and we've got a great tagline! LIQUIDATES YOUR REALLY BIG COLD!"

(Yes, they actually say that.)

The most amazing part of all this is that at some point the client said, "Yes" and gave the ad agency permission - and a lot of money - to make this commercial and broadcast it all over network TV. Then again, some know-it-all at Bayer could have forced this concept down the agency's throat and insisted this is a great way to market their product. This sort of twisted, reverse strategy happens all the time.

The point is, this is as lame as it gets - uncomfortable to watch - and certainly doesn't do anything to enhance the brand or convince people they should buy it. A doctor in a lab coat would be preferable, but it's certainly not as much fun or as expensive as dunking a poor woman under water and trying to make it look like she's enjoying the experience.

One last comment about the marketing of Alka-Seltzer, which I happen to think is a great product - it's their stupid advertising with which I take exception. On their website they have a Student Science Experiments page with eight fun things you can do with Alka-Seltzer tablets. One of them is called "Alka Rockets." It shows you how to create a paper rocket propelled by Alka-Seltzer and water, purportedly to demonstrate Newton's third law of motion!

Hey, whatever helps you sell more product! You can check it out here.

How I miss "I can't believe I ate the WHOLE thing!"