I Wish I Could Think This Fast

I read a great, short piece on PlaneBuzz today. It has the interesting title: "We Knew This Was Going to Happen." It was about a passenger on an airplane with a iPhone who mimicked the Apple television commercial in which a flight attendant somehow used his iPhone to get the plane out of the gate and into the air despite a weather delay.

It seems life imitated "art" recently when an actual passenger questioned the delay of a flight due to weather. He challenged the crew's explanation as to why they weren't airborne, and the pilot got onto the public address system with this reply:

"If the passenger with the iPhone would be kind enough to use it to check the weather at our alternate, calculate our fuel burn due to being rerouted around the storms, call the dispatcher to arrange our release, and then make a phone call to the nearest Air Traffic Control center to arrange our timely departure amongst the other aircraft carrying passengers with iPhones, then we will be more than happy to depart. Please ring your call button to advise the Flight Attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it ready and responsible for this multi-million dollar aircraft and its passengers to safely leave."

Priceless! I wish I could think of things like that to say. Perfect!

Atlanta Christians Prove There Is No God

Atlanta is have some serious drought problems. They're not alone, but they seem to be getting a lot of the press about it. I came across this article on the MSN website, which at first made me laugh, and then caused me to ponder just what the heck is going on in this country.

It seems Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue organized a group prayer on the steps of the state capitol building to ask God for some rain. There were some protests about state-sanctioned prayer, but what struck me more was the ludicrousness of this whole thing. How is this any different than say, hiring an American Indian to perform a rain dance? Or a witch to cast a spell on the clouds to make them give up their precious water? Most of the people who gathered to pray together would surely scoff at either of these other two methods, but they don't see their actions as being so steeped in superstition and ignorance.

But the most interesting aspect of this whole ridiculous waste of time and taxpayer money is that IT DIDN'T WORK. No rain...not a drop. Atlanta is still as bone dry as it was before everyone joined hands, bowed then heads and attempted telepathic communication.

So I guess Atlanta managed to prove there is no God. Nice job, zealots. Probably not what you intended, but at least some good came out of your mass ignorance.

Marketers Are Idiots - Applebee's Edition

Sometimes marketing concepts and campaigns are so lame, I truly wish I could have sat in on the creative presentation by the agency. The current Applebee's television campaign is one I would have loved to have experienced.

Agency: OK, here's the concept for our new television campaign. We have a hip, urban black guy sitting on a park bench texting someone on his phone.

Applebee's Idiot: Great. Urban blacks avoid us like the plague. This will certainly make them want to eat at an Applebee's and travel 20 miles to get there!

Agency: And on the back of the bench there's an apple.

Applebee's Idiot: Oh wow...a red apple, right? That will make people think of us because the word "apple" in part of our name. Brilliant!

Agency: And the apple kind of bounces up and down while we hear it speaking to the guy.

Applebee's Idiot: Bouncing...good. That's what an apple would do if it was talking. What does it sound like?

Agency: Well, like Wanda Sykes.

Applebee's Idiot: Oh, I love her...and she's black too, right? She is black, isn't she?

Agency: Yes, and she tells the guy he shouldn't be sitting on a bench all alone but should be at a restaurant with friends.

Applebee's Idiot: And so we then see him at an Applebee's, right? With some other urban black people? But can we have some white people too? And a woman? Could she maybe be Hispanic?

Agency: Yes, and the apple is now on the back of the booth and continues talking to him.

Applebee's Idiot: And it still sounds like Wanda Sykes? And it still just kind of bounces up and down? That's what apples do when they talk!

Agency: You got it!

Applebee's Idiot: Sounds good to me! How much money do you need? This will be great!

Of course I hope the Agency Guy did his best to actually create and present something that isn't so incredibly lame and that the bouncing, talking, Wanda Sykes apple was all the client's idea...but I know better. The agency's brilliant, new 20-something recent college graduate intern was given the job of coming up with something breakthrough, but when he found out he couldn't feature a clown, the bouncing apple came into his head.

There is so much wrong with this campaign that it's actually hard to comment on it. If you want Wanda Sykes as your spokesperson - not a bad idea - don't just put her voice into a bouncing apple. And about that bouncing apple...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Did you feed it peanut butter so it looked like it was talking?

For all the good this campaign is going to do Applebee's they should give the money to charity and at least get some good PR instead of the ridicule this pathetic, desperate attempt at television advertising is going to gain them. What a total waste! The people in marketing at Applebee's are idiots. This is proof positive!

Fires Not Set By Terrorists

Poor Fox News...poor right-wing blowhards...poor Bush administration. So the Southern California fires weren't a terrorist plot after all. Just some sad little boy playing with matches. That's got to be hard to take. I mean the speculation was so intense. How many more of our civil rights could have been taken away - if only it had been another attack on America!

This article on MSN.com says it all.

But wait...maybe that's just what the terrorists want us to think! Maybe they put those matches into that little boy's hands! No, this is a cover-up by the left-wing media. They planted this story just so we'd divert out attention! Osama bin Laden himself struck the match and put it into the boy's hand with instructions to throw himself into the fire once it started! Had to be, right?

OK, get ready for round 2, America. This ain't over yet!

Taco Bell's Marketers Are Geniuses

Marketers today are typically desperate idiots. But the people at Taco Bell have done a fantastic job over the years of tying in to the World Series. They have done it again this year with their "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco" promotion.

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series since 1990, so it's a pretty safe bet that there was going to be one in 2007. But more importantly is the buzz that this created both on the field and in the broadcast booth. The Fox commentators kept mentioning the promotion and giving the audience updates on whether a base has been stolen yet or not. The network recorded conversations between players in the bullpen in which they discuss the possibility of everybody in America getting a free taco if only someone steals a base. The CEO of Taco Bell was interviewed as he watched Game 2 from the stands in Boston. It's estimated that the value of this additional publicity was something like $4 million. Hey, that pays for a LOT of tacos.

The idiot, fearful, ineffective marketers out there are saying, "How can they afford this?" "This is nuts...what if everyone in America takes advantage of their offer." Panic! Panic! Panic!

But this is where the genius of Taco Bell's marketers comes into play. First of all, they are restricting the hours during which a free taco is available. It's not their peak lunch or dinner hours. Next, a single taco is not a full meal for most people. Sure some people will stop in for just the free taco, but the majority will buy something else and probably a drink too. Nice profit margin on those beverages, you know.

But the real value is in getting people who might otherwise never stop into a Taco Bell or try their food to maybe, just maybe, become a regular customer. After all, as most good marketers know (not the idiots who would never try anything as bold as this) traffic is the key to almost any business's success. Get 'em in the door. Get 'em to try your product. That's 90% of the battle, and Taco Bell is going to benefit tremendously from this entire endeavor.

Marketers Are Idiots - Dental Floss Edition

I harp a lot at marketers because, well, they are complete idiots. It comes from their abject desperation at having no clue how to effectively communicate information about their products to a public that is overly saturated with ads - and quite frankly, doesn't care. Out of fear, they try to create emotional attachments where there are none, and elevate the importance of their product to that of air and water in the lives of their customers.

I stumbled upon a new level of stupidity recently - in a survey I took sponsored by some marketer of dental floss. Yes, a survey about dental floss!

It started off innocently enough with questions about how often I floss my teeth and what brands of dental floss I use. It got worse - and really stupid - pretty quickly. All of a sudden I'm faced with a grid that has something like 10 different brands of dental floss listed across the top. Down the left side are about 20 questions and I'm supposed to fill in the dot for the brands that best match the statements.

The questions assumed a deep personal involvement with my dental floss brand that I dare say doesn't exist in any sane consumer's mind.

"This brand knows my lifestyle and helps support it."

"I feel confident using this brand."

"This brand gives me a sense of satisfaction."

This brand bolsters my self-esteem."

I'm not making these up. Remember, these are questions about DENTAL FLOSS!

How desperate! How sad! Here are these moron marketers trying to justify the money they spend - or what to spend - to sell America on the idea that one brand of dental floss is better than another - because it "supports your lifestyle".

I can just see it now. Some guy who is scared to death about keeping his job, sharing the "data" with his boss, the VP, showing that their brand is preferred over the next leading brand by 4.6% because of the scientifically calculated satisfaction quotient he developed. He spent 20 hours creating the presentation and all the colorful charts and graphs. His conclusion, if we pump $23.8 million more into the marketing of our brand, we could potentially crack the 5% satisfaction barrier! Then both he and the VP get huge boners.

I put some rather inappropriate comments into my survey at this point, because quite frankly, I had no idea how to answer a question about the emotional satisfaction I receive from using one brand of dental floss over another. Marketers are sad, sorry, stupid people who go to tremendous lengths to justify their existence. And they have no idea how to conduct a proper, meaningful survey.

A more representative survey would have been a lot shorter:

Can you name a single brand of dental floss? Yes/No

No? Thank you for your time.

Deal or No Deal Has Become Predictable

I enjoy NBC's Deal or No Deal. I know it's totally low-brow, but there's something about it that grabs and holds my attention. And yes, the models are pretty spectacular. Howie Mandel makes it interesting, although he's a much better comic than gameshow host.

However, the show has become very predictable. It's almost a formula. That's probably by design, because they've found their niche and don't want to alienate or disappoint the audience.

First of all, the contestants have pretty much merged into a single "type." They all have a hard-luck story and really need the money. But they aren't very smart. More than any other common denominator, they are overcome by greed when they make it onto the program.

Here's how a typical show goes:

The overly energetic contestant has an abundance of false confidence. He or she is "certain" the selected case contains the million dollars. Absolutely. No doubt. Of course in the first round the actual million dollar case is revealed, but this doesn't seem to shake the contestant's previous belief that he or she possesses some sort of psychic skills.

At some point in the game the banker will offer six figures. Probably on the order of $130,000 to $180,000. But the contestant sees $250,000 - $300,000 - even $500,000 still on the board and assumes one of these is attainable. Or course the idiotic family and friends all yell "NO DEAL - NO DEAL" - "ONE MORE - ONE MORE". Without fail, the next "one more" case is the highest amount on the board and the next offer drops dramatically. Everyone yells, "It's OK. It's OK." But it's not. At this point the contestant is totally screwed and must continue to open cases as the offers drop significantly.

The clueless contestant finally accepts a deal for a few hundred dollars when it becomes obvious that the coveted case probably contains $25.

What I find particularly amusing is when Howie explains the odds to the contestant near the end of the game, trying desperately to convince him or her push the frickin' button and not get burned. "You have a one in three chance that one of two cases have at least $75,000 or more." You can see the contestant's eyes glaze over. All he or she can see is that one remaining $250,000 case shown on the board. At this point, they are playing the lottery. They are spending their grocery money to buy a Megabucks ticket. And at this point the producers of the show are counting on giving away $100 instead of a million, because greed never wins. Not a bad payout for a popular prime time Network show.

And I think this has become the primary appeal of Deal or No Deal. At first we wanted to see someone beat the banker and walk out with a ton of money. Now we want to see a train wreck. We want to see someone self-destruct. We want to see someone turn down hundreds of thousands of dollars and end up with pocket change.

More often than not, we get what we want. Too bad.