Next - Trainwreck of a Movie

There was nothing available at Blockbuster this weekend, so I scrounged around the films that have been on the shelves for a while and rented Next with Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel. I know the movie got poor reviews and didn't do extremely well at the box office, but with a cast like that there's has GOT to be something worthwhile in it, right?

WRONG!

What a horrible, stupid movie! I found myself laughing at how convoluted and inept it became almost from the start. I'm going to spoil the plot here because if you're planning on renting it and haven't yet, don't! You WILL be sorry.

The premise is that there's this guy who somehow magically - we're never told how and he claims to have been born that way - can see his own future. But only two-minutes worth. So it allows him to do a magic act and test out pickup lines on women pretty well, but that's about it. Except that he lives in Las Vegas and uses it to earn just enough money to get by and not make the casinos too suspicious. Even though they are.

Anyway, somehow the FBI figures out this guy might has some power they can use to track down a missing nuclear weapon. HUH? The filmmakers cast Julianne Moore - complete with long red hair and freckles - to play the tough-as-nails, sharpshooting FBI agent responsible for convincing the guy to help. It's pathetic to see her trying to be hard and tough, all the while looking soft and cute. Pathetic. The silliest scene involve Ms. Moore running around looking oh-so-cute in her FBI hat with her ponytail pulled through the back and her FBI vest. She's a good 6 inches shorter than everyone else, but her gun is by far the biggest! Absurd.

(At one point Moore threatens to send Cage to Folsom Prison if he doesn't cooperate with their investigation. Uh, they're in Las Vegas...in Nevada. Nevada State Prison or "Carson City" perhaps - but how does Folsom figure into this? Maybe the screenwriter is just stupid. Actually, that would explain a lot!)

Somehow Jessica Biel figures into the plot. Cage sees her in one of his future premonitions that falls beyond the two-minute rule (yeah, they even corrupt their own corrupted reality to tell the story) and she gives him a ride to Flagstaff but has to stop at the Indian reservation where she teaches to drop off present for one of her students and...holly crap...why didn't the screenwriter see what a horrible plot mess this was all becoming? Add in the fact that the terrorists suddenly become more obsessed with kidnapping Biel than setting off their bomb, and it just completely goes to hell. When Cage ultimately splits into about a dozen duplicates of himself, you can't do anything buy groan and regret the time and money you just blew on this trash.

Advice to filmmakers everywhere - don't make movies that your audience can't understand!

If you really want a hoot, go ahead and rent the movie and then watch the special features. They were as clueless as to what to do to create filler material as they were in making the movie. The interviews with the filmmakers are laughable because it's obvious that even they don't know what the movie is really about. The special effects guys are pretty sharp, but you can't hold them responsible for the ridiculous plotline and story gaps.

By far the worst add-on is the final interview with Biel. Total eye candy. It's there so we can enjoy her looks and cleavage. She babbles aimlessly about looking into the future and if she would or if she wouldn't and if she could what she would do and maybe this and maybe that, but no, life is such a joy to live one day at a time, I wouldn't want to not make the mistakes I have made...oh, please! It would have been better to just let her strip down to her undies and let us ogle. At least that would have been honest. Just take a look at her image in the movie poster. Notice anything? Yep...that's why she's in the movie. The director must have had a hard one every day she was on the set. Nothing else can explain her presence in the film. Actually, nothing can explain the presence of this film - period!