Monday, December 31, 2007

Never Fly United Again

I will never fly United Airlines again!

There are only so many times you can give a company "another chance." United Airlines has finally pushed me too far and I simply will no longer patronize them. In this case, it's strike three.

Strike one was about a year ago. I bought a round-trip ticket from Washington Dulles to Milwaukee and back. Like most United flights, there was a connection at Chicago O'Hare.

As the plane was being pushed away from the gate at the start of the trip, something snapped. It turns out it had to do with the way they attached the tractor to the front wheel. It had to be fixed. So the plane sat on the ground for the better part of two hours while they repaired it. Of course there was no way I was going to make the connection. I had no idea the ramifications this was going to cause.

The plane arrived in Chicago over two hours late. I went to the gate where my connection had left a hour earlier to try and find out what my options were. The airport was as packed as I have ever seen it and the line at the gate was at least 20 people deep. When I got to the front, I was told I could be put on standby for the next flight, which didn't leave for another 45 minutes. There were about 10 people on standby in front of me, so I knew there wasn't much chance of getting on the flight, but it was the last one of the day. I decided to wait. About 30 minutes later, they simply canceled the flight. No explanation, but I overheard a flight crew near the gate talking about having no clue what route they were there to fly. Amazing. I suspect the flight was canceled because they didn't have anyone to fly the plane!

So I rented a car and drove to Milwaukee. This was going to be expensive because I planned to leave the car in Milwaukee instead of driving it back to Chicago. But thanks to United, I didn't have much choice. Fortunately Avis had a car available, but I did stand in line there another 45 minutes.

But that wasn't the end of it. When it was time to return to Washington Dulles, I arrived at the airport around eight in the morning. At the ticket counter I was told I no longer had a reservation or ticket! What? It seems the United computer decided that since my flight from Chicago to Milwaukee had been canceled, I never got there. Therefore I wouldn't need the return flight! Instead the computer canceled me and had been rescheduling me from Chicago to Milwaukee ever couple of hours for the past few days! It expected me to sit at O'Hare for a day or two rather than complete the final 90 miles of my trip by some other means. This is absolute lunacy!

The earliest I could get on a return flight was at 5:00 a.m. the following morning, and they had to book me on a different airline. This time I got to connect through St. Louis, and was almost bumped off the St. Louis-to-Dulles portion!

Strike two was on a recent trip from Chicago to Dulles. I didn't ever bother with the Milwaukee connection this time. My flight was the last one of the day for this route, and after telling everyone the flight was delayed, two hours later they abruptly canceled it. Again, no explanation. The only suggestion was to go get in line at the United customer service desk to try and get another flight. So again, I stood in line for an hour, only to find out that the computer had rescheduled me for a flight the following afternoon through Philadelphia with a three-hour layover. Who the hell programs these things?

I ended up staying the night in Chicago - with no luggage, toothbrush or change of clothes. United's recommendation was to come back to the airport in the morning and move from gate to gate to try and get onto one of the day's O'Hare to Dulles flights. The best they could guarantee me was a late-afternoon flight. I was told if I take the "sure thing" I couldn't expect to get on an earlier flight because I would have to give up my ticked to switch to standby status. Again, who makes up these rules?

At one point I asked an agent why the previous night's flight was canceled. She looked it up and told me it was a mechanical problem. She then immediately offered me a $100 voucher for a future flight. What kills me is that if I hadn't asked this question, there would not have been any offer of compensation whatsoever, except for the hotel room. What a crappy system! My luggage had gone to Washington on an earlier flight, but fortunately it was there when I finally arrived the following afternoon.

Strike three was this past weekend. My son and daughter came from Milwaukee to spend Christmas with me. First of all, their flight out of Milwaukee to Chicago was delayed to the point where they would miss their connection. So the agent suggested they take the shuttle bus between the two airports. They got on after an hour wait in the rain. It cost $50. The agent did say we could get a refund, but that remains to be seen. The flight out of Chicago was delayed as well, and it's even possible they could have made it if they took the delayed Milwaukee flight. But how would we have known? It wasn't worth the risk.

Fearing that their return flight would be canceled because that brilliant United computer might have thought they never got to Washington since they never got on the flight in Milwaukee, I called to confirm the return. I made the agent on the phone tell me THREE TIMES that they were confirmed. It turns out the computer had been booking them on the first part of their trip, even though it "knew" they had taken the second part. United's programmers are every bit as inept as it seems the rest of the company is.

Of course when we got to the airport yesterday for their return, there was a problem with the ticket. It wasn't in the system and I had to pick up the customer assistance phone at the counter. I made the agent stay on the line after he said he corrected the problem. I was able to check them in, but their original seat assignments had been erased. OK, minor problem, but in light of everything else, very annoying.

The flight out of Dulles was on time and boarded according to schedule. Then they couldn't get an engine started and it sat at the gate for 90 minutes while they repaired it. Well guess what! There was now no way to make the connecting flight in Chicago - again! Fortunately my daughter has a friend who was willing to drive to Chicago and pick them up. This sounded like a better plan than trying - no, hoping - to get a later flight out of Chicago. I didn't want them stranded in the airport all night. Been there...done that.

So they got a ride. But their luggage was checked through to Milwaukee. They checked with an agent in Chicago and found out when the bags would arrive, and as it turns out, if they drove directly to the Milwaukee airport, they should be able to pick them up. This would have been around 7:30 p.m. The United baggage office in Milwaukee is supposed to stay open until 11:00. However, apparently someone either didn't show up or decided to go home early, because it was locked and dark when they arrived. What an ongoing nightmare!

My daughter called the next morning and United refused to deliver the bags for free since it had been "their choice" not to take a flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. Bull crap! So she and my son went back to the airport and finally - some 28 hours after their departure from Dulles - got their luggage.

I have to call United tomorrow to try and get the refund the agent offered and see if there isn't some way to get back part of the missed second connection. I don't expect much chance of success. They may offer me another voucher, but even that is screwed up. You see, in order to use one of their vouchers, you have to present it in person at a United ticket counter. That means I need to drive two hours to buy a ticket in order to save $100. You know what, I suspect they know that and count of the fact that no one will actually use the stupid vouchers they offer as compensation for turning a three-hour trip into seven.

United is a total mess and I don't know how they remain in business. No one has any authority to fix the problems, it seems, and certainly no one is motivated to try and improve anything. Well, I've finally had enough. I will do everything I can from this point on to avoid flying with them. I've had enough bad experience to now know there will be a problem. The idea of saving some money no longer holds any appeal to me. I'm done with United and if I read in the news that they are going under, I will simply say "good riddance".

Never again.

Marketers Are Idiots - Afrin Edition


Just how incredibly stupid do the marketers of Afrin nasal spray think we are? Have you seen their latest commercial? It consists of a rather plump gentleman sitting on a stool who gives us a very graphic demonstration of what life is like without Afrin. He squeezes his nostrils closed with his fingers. I'm not kidding. This is "before" Afrin. Then he lets go. This is "after" Afrin.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I ended up just shaking my head and wondering what the ad agency's presentation of this brilliant concept in advertising must have been. I imagine several creatives from the agency, plus the account supervisor sitting in the boardroom at Schering-Plough in front of the Afrin marketing team. "OK, we have a guy and he does this..." They all squeeze their noses shut. "He tells us this is what it's like when you're plugged up. Oh, and he talks all muffled and nasaly..." Then he holds up a bottle of Afrin and unplugs his nose. "Now he sounds normal!" It's a miracle!

"Yep, I like it, sounds good, wonderful creative, brilliant, here, take a bunch of money!"

I wonder if they ever stopped to think that the idea is just plain stupid and laughable. Do they really think the American public is so stupid that we won't see this lame "demonstration" for exactly what it is? What's really sad is how this concept could be taken to just about any extreme. Actually, it is...all too frequently. Idiot marketers think it's enough to show someone looking sad, and say "before." Then show the same person looking happy and say "after." This has been the sorry excuse for advertising that marketers have been using for years. They think it works, but it doesn't. At least I hope it doesn't. Because you have to be a very stupid, gullible consumer to react to this kind of mind-control.

On second thought...brilliant!

Afrin liked the idea so much that they made a second, almost identical commercial. Same guy, same concept, but now he's dressed in PJs and robe and is hawking the nighttime version of the nasal spray. I don't think the copy changed one bit other than the name of the product.

By the way, did you know Afrin has a website. Why, I can't even begin to imagine. But they do. Could it possibly get ANY hits?

Afrin's a good product...but their marketers are idiots.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Kay Jewelry's Illiterate Commercial

I'm really sick of the Kay Jewelry television commercial that seems to be running incessantly right now. It features a little girl watching her mother and father break a wishbone.

First of all, whoever directed this spot is a total moron. He or she has no idea how to place a camera and manages to cross the stage line with just about every cut. It's horrible. You can't follow what's going on, who is looking at whom and most importantly, who actually wins the wishbone-pulling contest. It's kind of important to the premise of the spot.

But even worse is the dialog, written I presume by Kay's crack advertising agency. As the couple is pulling the wishbone they explain the process to their daughter. They say, pretty much in unison:

Whoever gets the bigger half --- gets --- their --- wish.

I know I'm being pedantic, but this drives me nuts!

First of all, there is no such thing as a "bigger half." By definition, half is half - equivalent to the other half. Same size. All they had to say is "piece" and I'd not be writing this rant.

But they make it worse with the rest of the sentence. "Whoever....gets their..." Come on! You can't use a singular subject and plural pronoun - even if most people incorrectly talk this way. One of the people pulling the wishbone does NOT get "their" wish, because neither one of them is more than one person. Stupid!

I'm sick of this spot and can't wait for the holiday season to end so I don't have to scream at the TV any more. (And yes, I know, I really need a life.)

Monday, December 10, 2007

Marketers' Lawyers Are Idiots Too


DO NOT ATTEMPT!

How come you never see "Do not attempt" superimposed on the screen during a television show or motion picture when one of the characters does something dangerous? Why do the corporate lawyers think people watching television commercials are going to go out and drive their cars over a cliff because someone did it in a TV spot - but they don't need to protect themselves against this kind of behavior in a show? Why the double standard? When Bruce Willis launched the police car into the helicopter in Live Free or Die Hard, why wasn't there a super warning us against trying this the next time we are being chased by a French mercenary sniper?

More to the point, would a judge really rule favorably for a plaintiff who went out and did something totally stupid just because he saw it in a TV commercial? I know there are plenty of Darwin Awards candidates out there, but don't we pretty much agree they are responsible for their own behaviors? I guess there have been enough court cases that have gone the wrong way to make marketers' companies nervous, but common sense needs to prevail. Some of the ridiculous cautions on most consumer products today probably says I'm wrong.

Of course some of the stunts you see in television commercials are pretty much impossible to do in real life. Can you really walk into a room with a bag of fast food and have it burst into flame like it does in the Taco Bell commercial? ("Professional. Do not attempt.") If you had access to heavy machinery, could you really run over your old washing machine with a steam roller as in the LG spot?

Like so much in our society today, the lawyers rule. Still, I would love to see a whole bunch of people take it upon themselves to try every outlandish stunt they see on TV and if someone gets hurt, try and sue the pants off of the sponsor. Let's see what the lawyers come up with then! We'd probably get a lot of boring commercials (not that there aren't a lot of those already) with pages and pages of text like you see in magazine ads for drugs now.

Common sense...where have you gone?

Next - Trainwreck of a Movie

There was nothing available at Blockbuster this weekend, so I scrounged around the films that have been on the shelves for a while and rented Next with Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel. I know the movie got poor reviews and didn't do extremely well at the box office, but with a cast like that there's has GOT to be something worthwhile in it, right?

WRONG!

What a horrible, stupid movie! I found myself laughing at how convoluted and inept it became almost from the start. I'm going to spoil the plot here because if you're planning on renting it and haven't yet, don't! You WILL be sorry.

The premise is that there's this guy who somehow magically - we're never told how and he claims to have been born that way - can see his own future. But only two-minutes worth. So it allows him to do a magic act and test out pickup lines on women pretty well, but that's about it. Except that he lives in Las Vegas and uses it to earn just enough money to get by and not make the casinos too suspicious. Even though they are.

Anyway, somehow the FBI figures out this guy might has some power they can use to track down a missing nuclear weapon. HUH? The filmmakers cast Julianne Moore - complete with long red hair and freckles - to play the tough-as-nails, sharpshooting FBI agent responsible for convincing the guy to help. It's pathetic to see her trying to be hard and tough, all the while looking soft and cute. Pathetic. The silliest scene involve Ms. Moore running around looking oh-so-cute in her FBI hat with her ponytail pulled through the back and her FBI vest. She's a good 6 inches shorter than everyone else, but her gun is by far the biggest! Absurd.

(At one point Moore threatens to send Cage to Folsom Prison if he doesn't cooperate with their investigation. Uh, they're in Las Vegas...in Nevada. Nevada State Prison or "Carson City" perhaps - but how does Folsom figure into this? Maybe the screenwriter is just stupid. Actually, that would explain a lot!)

Somehow Jessica Biel figures into the plot. Cage sees her in one of his future premonitions that falls beyond the two-minute rule (yeah, they even corrupt their own corrupted reality to tell the story) and she gives him a ride to Flagstaff but has to stop at the Indian reservation where she teaches to drop off present for one of her students and...holly crap...why didn't the screenwriter see what a horrible plot mess this was all becoming? Add in the fact that the terrorists suddenly become more obsessed with kidnapping Biel than setting off their bomb, and it just completely goes to hell. When Cage ultimately splits into about a dozen duplicates of himself, you can't do anything buy groan and regret the time and money you just blew on this trash.

Advice to filmmakers everywhere - don't make movies that your audience can't understand!

If you really want a hoot, go ahead and rent the movie and then watch the special features. They were as clueless as to what to do to create filler material as they were in making the movie. The interviews with the filmmakers are laughable because it's obvious that even they don't know what the movie is really about. The special effects guys are pretty sharp, but you can't hold them responsible for the ridiculous plotline and story gaps.

By far the worst add-on is the final interview with Biel. Total eye candy. It's there so we can enjoy her looks and cleavage. She babbles aimlessly about looking into the future and if she would or if she wouldn't and if she could what she would do and maybe this and maybe that, but no, life is such a joy to live one day at a time, I wouldn't want to not make the mistakes I have made...oh, please! It would have been better to just let her strip down to her undies and let us ogle. At least that would have been honest. Just take a look at her image in the movie poster. Notice anything? Yep...that's why she's in the movie. The director must have had a hard one every day she was on the set. Nothing else can explain her presence in the film. Actually, nothing can explain the presence of this film - period!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Excellent Marketing by Verizon

As much horrible, clueless advertising as there is out there today, it is so refreshing to see a brilliant television commercial. I'm referring to the wonderful new spot from Verizon in which one girl gets a pony as a gift while her two friends get new Verizon phones. You've seen it. They seem to be running it constantly.



Bonnie Dennison, the girl who gets the pony, is marvelous. She hardly has any dialog but her looks, her expressions and her timing are fantastic. Kudos to the director for bringing out this performance! Even the look on the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy is priceless as he watches the horse eat the roof off the doghouse. It's just plain funny and I don't get tired of watching it. More than that, it's effective because I remember perfectly what it is for and what they are selling. That's rare today with all the clutter on TV.

The only flaw in the entire commercial is an rather inexcusable continuity error. If you notice Bonnie's hands at the start of the spot she has her arms folded and two fingers on her left hand are bandaged. At one point she switched the orientation of her folder arms and the left hand is no longer visible. Then on the next cut, it is back to its original position. I don't understand how this could happen because of how important the two bandaged fingers are to the payoff line at the end of the spot. Somebody on the production crew really dropped the ball here. Lazy and unprofessional filmmaking.

But the overall effect - brilliant! Five stars!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Bad Taste from Beyonce

I will be the first to admit, like millions of you, that Beyonce Knowles is one of the most talented and beautiful women in show business today. She's also got to have more money than she knows what to do with, which makes me wonder why she is doing so many commercials lately. I think the worst - and most embarrassing - is probably her most lucrative; as spokeswoman for DirecTV.

The ad features Beyonce singing and dancing, which is obviously what she does best. She's wearing a skimpy gold dress, which is obviously what makes her look best. But the hard-sell of the "upgrade" message is just too over the top. She's no longer a hot, appealing spokesperson, but just another hard-sell saleswoman shoving something down our throats.

But most bothersome - how much did they have to pay her to put an "upgrade" piece of rapper bling in her mouth? Maybe it was included in the price. Regardless, it's sad.